helplessness

when i was a kid, i was pretty strong in character. i wouldnt cry AT ALL. the only times i cried was when my mum forced me to wear a dress. she'd make me try on those hand-me-down dresses which my cousin had grouwn out of. i hated it..i really did.

i hated the lace, the way it scratched my body. the roughnes as the laces and zip cut my skin. i knew that one day, the day when i grew up, when i could choose, i would NEVER wear a dress. or a skirt. ntg with laces, ntg that would make me feel oh-so-uncomfortable in. despite being labelled a 'tomboy', i juz prefered wearing pants, or shorts. i saw no meaning in wearing a dress so as to prove my gender. if i'm a girl, den so be it. why did i have to wear a dress to prove i'm one?

so u see, i was a damn rebellious since young. and i realised that certain traits displayed when young remains as it is now.

today, i had no choice but to go jurong point to shop for clothes. i nd clothes coz i have to go for some 'interview' tmr at AIA. they chanced upon my pathetic online resume, and called me up, decided to chat or some sort. no obligations wadsoever.

while shopping, the childhood fear came to haunt me. the same kinda helplessness gripped me, rendering me weak.

the thought of having to dress up in office clothes in juz a couple of mths down the road just blew me away. to put on make up, to completely revamp my wardrobe. for a moment, i felt like those angry tears coming back.

some kinda learned helplessness have unknowingly set in, even without me realising. i hate shopping for clothes for myself. i detest the thought of dressing up. i give plenty of trouble for my friends and myself when shopping, being the worst complainer/whiner ever. perhaps its some form defence mechanism or coping strategy?

i remembered how i was so unwilling to shop for clothes for prom nite in sec 4. while my clique of friends enthusiastically browsed shops aft shops, i chanced upon every chair that i could find in every shop to park my ass.

anyone volunteers out there who'd help me next july in a wardrobe make-over?