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went to attend CSS Rally Mass ytd. Somehow i dunnoe y but during lunch with denise in sci-ence, she asked if i wanted to go for CSS Mass, since it wld be the Rally Mass to end off the Catholic Awareness Week. As always, she cld kinda ald anticipate the low chances that i wld go. Yah, i'm seriously no longer involved in css, not like i was involved last time; but at least in e past i still did go for mass at lt17 biz every fri.

Aft lunch, we departed and b4 i went off to arts for lessons, she asked, 'so i suppose u r not going for mass today rite?' and i replied, 'erm i'll let u noe again.' At tt point in time, my answer was kinda swayed towards a no. i dunnoe wad made me change my mind, perhaps God really wanted me to go or smth. Then at abt 3+, i msged her. 'Hey i'm going for mass..'

So i went for mass and sat beside her. somehow it was really like e bible story of the prodigal son. To some extent, i was the prodical child. the one who left and now am found? Yah kinda..shirley and regina and all the pple from sci-ence who are also in css were damn surprised to see me. Still, i felt a lil outta place, having been out of touch for almost 2 semesters.

Had this Praise and Worship session b4 mass proper. Yah, denise cld sense tt i was 'overwhelmed'. Like seriously, i'm really not into tt kinda worship. Like raising ur hands and 'Amen-ing' and all tt. it juz felt, weird. I mean, nvm. quite hard to explain but perhaps i like to acknowlege Jesus in a more subtle way. i'm juz not the kind who'd go out and like proclaim to everyone..'Hey Jesus IS in me! AMEN!!" u-noe-wad-i-mean?

Commentator: Jesus is our lord and he loves us

All(except me):AMEN!!

*then me at the corner, looking furtively ard, feeling a lil uncomfortable*

Whispered to denise, 'eh since when did it become all Hillsongs ah?'

Amidst all tt was going on ard me, i juz decided to say a prayer. Dear God, where are u? Why am i even here..i feel very lost.

I dunno but wad striked me was this particular song, The Potter's Hand. And the commentator mentioned tt a potter can mould a clay only if it is soft. when the clay is hardened, the potter will be unable to shape it the way he wants it to. Somehow it just striked me at the very pt in time that my heart has hardened so much that as much as God wld like to mould me into what He wants to me to be, He can only do so if my heart is soften.

Denise, if u caught me sniffing, or teary eyed..yah. i think i was touched by something tt i havent experienced for a very long time. touched by the holy spirit. u were right to say i was overwhelmed. But eventually, it wasnt the PnW tt overwhelmed me, it was the gift of the holy spirit.

Dun quite understand y i wanna hold it back also. guess its very much a face issue as well. cant expect me to be seen crying like mad in public. once the holy spirit comes over u, there's like 3 possible reaction. can laugh, cry or faint. mine's the crying one. it's an extremely uncontrollable and unexplanable phenomenon. i cant further describe it for the lack of spritual capacity to do so. Like during the retreat last year, i was juz visualising the image of jesus coming close to me [coz sr. molly asked us to] and then i was overwhelmed, den my tap just turned on. i juz walked out of the room to get a grip of myself, leaving serene a lil perturbed over wad had happened. Sometimes i think i'm juz afraid to let the holy spirit work in me.

somehow i dun want it to end here. i wld really like to go for css mass more often, but its difficult. its not juz a time factor, but also fitting in. i mean, yah the people there are friendly and accepting, but..its a giant leap of faith. Right now i'm juz taking a puny step. However, i think 1 thing's for sure. i think u are the chosen one to bring me back to my catholic faith, to re-discover it again. faith alone isnt enuf eh? u nd deeds as well. thanks denise. *hugs*

H.I.M--He's In Me