today's gd friday.

let's see..wad did i do today? i woke up at 8am (yah..wt said i was e only disciplined one) and hit the tracks. went to run, felt abit upset (coz i really am losing my 'burst'), but snapped outta it. i do not allow myself to sink into depression for long.

no, but seriously i've seen better days. better sprints, but sadly tt was 2 yrs ago.

went to bathe, n went for gd friday mass @holy cross. no words can express how much my heart is bursting with joy, now tt e church is done up. ok, not fully done up yet, but i'm juz contented that mass is held back in the main church n not at nus high sch auditorium.

i shan't elaborate further but anw to sum it all in a sentence, "i was lost but now i'm found"

i particularly liked e mass alot, though it was like 1 n a 1/2 hrs long n we stood n knelt quite a couple of times. sometimes it makes me proud to b a catholic, other times i hide my crucifix in shame. today i was proud of the gd old traditions of celebrating mass. honestly, i'm back. back to the heart of worship.

fr. val preached the gospel today. he mentioned abt an undergrad who is a catholic but he wasn't particularly active in his faith. he dissociated himself frm the church. fr val probed n he said, 'well father, u dun find millionaires in the church, do u?' tt guy had wanted everything else other than a simple catholic life.

i thought abt it..it dawned on me tt by being baptised into the faith, by choosing to accept e faith, i ain't gonna b a millionaire. i'm choosing a life of simplicity, of contentment. everything opposite of wad e society is chasing after. money, power, status..

there's a whole lot more stuff which he shared abt but no, i'm not gonna type it here. maybe i shd really find back my faith aft i graduate. i've put it aside for 3yrs to pursue smtg i really love. not tt db has taken me away frm God. at times i feel v bad tt i'm not active in e catholic student's society, but u noe the thing abt faith is tt no matter how pple try to lead u back, there's only tiz much they can do. alot has to come frm within. its whether u want it or not (yah damn cliche) but sadly, i dun wan it as badly as i shd. i'm afraid. hardly have i told anyone abt tiz, well maybe only serene (during the retreat). i'm struck by bouts of fear abt letting the holy spirit take control n really letting it work in my life. i feel i'm no different frm manda. its entirely different for our cases, but similar in a very abstract way. for her its re-taking the 1st step, but for me its taking the 2nd, or even 3rd step. right now, i'm juz hentataki-ing..on square one.

theresa's special. so is angela. they both share abt God in their own different ways n sometimes its quite contagious. i wont deny tt theresa's partly the reason y there was a change of heart, n i was present in church for mass today. even wenting is special (who is extremely rational that there'll nv come the day where she believes in God) At times we ask each other hypothetical qns. her qns usually revolves ard testing me wad i'll do if i were in a particular situation. i give her my answers n she'd ask if my choice of action is a result of acting on faith, or because its really wad i'll do.

i rmb i asked her a qn b4, 'will there ever be the day where u will believe in God?' n she said 'No'. she believes there's an Almighty One out there, but it may or may not be God. she says the rational mind is unable to grapse the concept of there being a person who can control ur fate.

But..isn't faith abt irrationality? actually, there are many Thomas' out there, who nds to see b4 they believe. i happen to be like Thomas as well. The disciple who needed to put his fingers thru Jesus' piereced wounds b4 he'd believe that Jesus had risen frm the dead.

even in economics, the assumption of full rationality isn't valid in reality. there's only 'bounded rationality', which means being as rational given its limits or constraint, depending on situation. so wad more abt religion in e context of our world today?