thoughts, feelings, fears.

i thought i cant sleep n can be bloggin at such ungodly hrs bec of the endorphins produced from trg.

then i went to pee n my pee reeked of coffee. i drank coffee just now during dinner. kopi-ping to b exact. n i thought caffine had no effect on me. tts when i found out tt i cant sleep because the caffaine is keeping me v awake.

i took 3hrs to finish looking thru the pics tt we took for the entire academic year. like seriously, WOW. it's alot of pics. u noe wad's the funniest thing? i think i only contributed to like 1% of all the pics? ok maybe 5%. to think i was e advocator of TP craze last time. looked thru the july race pics and the videos tt ys took [n secretly took! urgh] was simply hillarious! it beats watching a comedy in the cinema man. seeing how they did an acapella n how bc tried to do an out-of-tune for 'at the beginning'; and how lijun do the 'orh be gd orh be gd' action; or the 'nus, push 10, ready!?' [insiders joke shhhh]

resumed trg today. till this very day my heart still beats very fast from 530pm onwards. i cant focus on anything else other den to rush down n get my butt down to src. my worst nightmare wld be coming late for trg. i guess its the psychological torture of knowing my teammates will suffer shd i be late, less of the physical torture. its too much for me to bear, i think my heart cannot take it man. Was at HSSML doing some reading and juz had to rush down to src when i saw e time on my watch. 530..hmm.

tt's the reason y i nv want to choose a 4-6pm lect on tues/thurs, coz i noe by 530 my heart wld be racing n i cant focus no more. i'd juz zhao lesson n go for trg, hence missing out 1/2 hr of the remaining lecture.

i have another fear tt lingers. its a fear tt comes right b4 race day. it sounds silly, n u wont believe it. my fear is to drop paddle. how silly huh? tts y i always have wax on standby n grip my paddle [cin] real tight.

anw, i relinquish my citizenship as 'commoner' today. with 'great power comes great responsibility', i'll always rmb wad twin quoted to me 1 yr ago. now i do not have tt kinda power, but i'm happy. I'm not power hungry. Ok maybe i am, when there's a need for power strokes. hahahaha ok, it just got colder in here -_-^ No, the ginna in me will probably nv ever return to tt extent in yr1, coz i've matured from there. But yes, the kid in me is still very much alive.

the juniors [now snrs] find it hillarious when they see yr n i dashing in front when we moved frm src to gym. it's not abt being kiasu, or 'karma' in tt in e past it was everyone else running in front of us, n now we get back the taste of our medicine [actually it taste quite nice] I do not find it as amusing. It's just tt having been thru it, we truly uds the rationale of y certain things are done. N we really cherish them. There definitely is a need for sense of urgency. I value the traditions passed down by our snrs, upheld by us, and now continue to be passed on.

Well, some things just dont change as rapidly, i feel. i'm back to my old crappy self, but only outside trg times. During trg it's like split personality again, back to serious me. i feel like now i'm more 随便, but not TT 随便. Do not attempt to test water, really. If u do, u'd bear the consequence. Do NOT even try.

i enjoyed today's run, gym as well. enjoying the new journey. u noe like how sometimes u so wished it was over like *now*, but nearing the end u take back ur wish n wished it didnt happen? I never want this kinda thing to happen. Not last time, not now, not ever. dinner was enjoyable. sat at the same table as welfareS[broad classification, general term]--sharon, rendy, angela, n phyllis. every time sharon gestures, i immediately think of 星晴 heh.

i just wanna row.. and yes, now i am doing just tt.