b4 i REALLY go

its been a mad rush this week. tt's all i can say.

I've got 5 min to blog, now i'm in yih. b4 i say farewell to deedee, my dearest laptop. Entrusting her to the care of another dee, yes, wendy. Muz take care of deedee alrite during e time i'm gone k?

thoughts b4 gg tianjin.

Excited?? Cant be with all the admin=shit load tt's nv ending.

Finished packing? 80% done.

Worried? Ok, a little. for the general safety and well-being of the team.

I will take care of the team

Time's up!

I hope its worth it.

Tianjin, here we come.

Enter the Dragon[ahahhaa]

so much for being strong..

so much for being strong and saying tt i'd be strong.

The last time i let it go, it was..i dun remember when, ie in front of the team. Maybe regatta?

I tried to hold it back, the feeling hit me real strong. Somehow i couldnt feel like everyone was having a sense of urgency. If u dun exert now, den when? Reserve, reserve for what!?

What made me join and what r my long term plans?

Me:"i was tricked into db [nv expected tt we had to do gym, pull ups, and what have u] but fun row was really fun for me. On the day i wanted to quit aft wad i thought wld have been my very last water trg session, we had diz impromptu race set with the nus alumni team. Tt set made me feel wad the motto 'one boat, one stroke, one heart' meant. Maybe its too early to have the heart factor, but at least for tt set, it felt like 1 boat and 1 stroke. I was the pacer for tt set. Somehow i know tt's wad i wanted..tt feeling

Long term plan wld b rowing and feeling for each other. Someday, *u'll* understand what e current snrs told the ex-juniors[us]abt. I wont talk abt it, u gotta experience it yourself "

Yes wen, u r right. so much for saying i'd be strong, tt i wont shed a tear. Thanks for offering the hug. The as usual 'r u ok' and my as usual response, 'i'm ok.'

Sometimes u get so tired you forget why u are here in the first place. I know why i'm here, I am here for the team.

I'm not here to lose weight, though its quite amazing tt i lost 5kg aft joining.

I'm not here to prove myself, though i've proven myself capable of pushing further than i ever thought possible.

I'm not here to widen my social circle, though i've got to know a bunch of gals i can truly trust.

Next time when u r tired, and u feel like giving up, look ard. Though its highly advisable tt u fix ur eyes on the pacer. Take a split sec to look ard, n see who u r pushing for. You are definitely not pushing alone. It's never just abt yourself. I wonder who's looking at my blog, but it doesnt matter actually.

wad fails to kill u makes u stronger

being pissed off

I’m so pissed off with this particular person. But I shall be professional and not mention who that person is. Like seriously, what’s the use if u disregard the importance of it and just send any xx yy and zz?

Like seriously…

To think I’ve accommodated to u, and set aside time, 2 slots some more! I don’t need just apology, can you do something abt it!?

Ok, I shall be forgiving.. or should I?

Anyway, on the lighter note, it’s been quite a nice day. Nice because I bumped into Twin at yih. Had to take 2 jabs today, Flu and Thyphoid vaccination b4 the Tianjin race. The jabs got wenya and I feeling rather high. I felt immobilized aft the 2 jabs, one on each arm. Was telling wen I cant lift my arms. Don’t exactly like injections

We were really quite ‘high’ at the Student Lounge, even Angeline joined us to crap. To identify the jabs on which arm, I came up with the term ‘Finished Training’. F-Flu, T-Thyphoid. Yah seriously, crap! Twin came into the Student Lounge after an emotional meet up. me running towards her at the lockers area, den embracing each other. Yup we really miss each other man!

Was staying in e study lounge to write 3 postcards--1 to wenting, 1 to isobel, n 1 to amy. In addition to the 10 stupid things tt wendy does, i think its the 100000000000 stupid things ald. Anyway i wrote a postcard to iso, den there was some space left, so i told wendy she can write some stuff inside. Then she wrote n wrote, covering the part where i'm supposed to affix a stamp. So i told her abt it, n she went 'sorry sorry..' den continued writing, while avoiding the spot. Next moment she told me she finished writing, and then *gasp*. She wrote so much tt it covered the spot tt was meant to be where i write the address to post out.

*diaoz*

hahaha. iso, when u receive the postcard do let me noe k?

Lost my way in arts today. I couldnt seem to find AS3. Thankfully yunshan bumped into me at the corridor leading to the canteen n i asked for directions. Still learning the way ard arts..

Learnt a lil bout Game Theory in econs lect today. It's pretty interesting. This thing abt reaching Nash Equilibrium. Yup, dont doubt it, the person who came up with Nash Equilibrium is none other den John Nash, the Nobel Prize winner.[watch the movie 'A beautiful mind']

Quite drained, but must do my project. still got js1101e tt needs to be done. 2 tests next week b4 flying off to Tianjin for the race. Jam packed.

Boys dun cry..or do they?

What/who makes them cry? Have u wondered?

DBS Heritage Run

woke up at 530, was abt to leave e house at 555am and noticed it was raining kinda heavily outside. yirang boarded a taxi which wld come by my house[at e traffic light junction] and i was slightly caught in the rain. Damn cold lah, its in e morning, i'm wearing trg tee, and e air con in e taxi made it even colder.

called boon chin to check out if its raining over at bukit timah, she said 'No'. 5min ltr she sms-ed saying 'it started raining, so how?'

decided to call the weather station to get forecast of the weather. Showers in e western part of Singapore including Clementi and Bukit Timah, rain likely to continue for next 3 hrs. Next moment i was msg-ing the snrs, and yirang msg-ed e juniors to tell them tt we arent gg for the 10km run. cant have pple falling sick now, n besides, the rain was persisting for next 3 hrs.

She had breakfast at clementi mac while i nua-ed and watched her eat. It felt like i juz came back from nite cycling,was equally shagged, only diff. was tt there's not 'Reach out for the skys..' blasting at the background.

Went home and had a 3hr nap. den packed my stuff and was intending to head for sch to study, but jul called and ask me to come down for ultramarathon, so i thought ok since i'm gg down, y not?

My gosh, this was really so meaningful. I dun regret running tt 27 rounds ard e track. it was torturous, i split it out to 10-15-2. e last 2 was relay style to accompany dr william tan for his last 10 rounds, while the 10 and 15 rds were juz continuous, mostly alone, and den some rounds with wenya.

I encouraged dr tan as he passed me by. would say, 'dr tan jiayou!' or 'dr tan, endure!' and he'd reply occasionally with a hearty 'thank you!'

truly, wad's 10.8km when he finished 10 times of wad i accomplished? His is for such a noble cause, mine's ntg compared to him. I perspired like mad coz the weather was kinda humid aft the morning rain. My legs were a lil wobbly [kah1 neng4!] by the last 2 rounds, but juz pushed on. Yea i initially pledged 24 rounds, but the 25th rd was coz wenya said make it 10km, while e 26th n 27th rd was to finish it with dr tan.

Seriously, we cheered louder than the cheerleading team lor. ah well, nv recognised. Yah and we were known as the female runners, not dragonboat ladies. TP-ed with jul and wenya. i kinda regretted doing my 'special no. 1' pose coz the next day, ie monday, i kena tt thing! yea, the traumatising '1'. karma

was just flipping thru my diary and den i read the entries last yr. i realised tt its really quite a coincidence tt 1 yr ago, vic told us to think of a mistake we often commit and say out wad we need to correct. so coincident, kinda freaky.

my entry reads as follows(sat 18/09/04):
"i told everyone tt i needed to lift my punching arm higher[ok tt's coz i was pacer den]"; to pause in front not pause behind.[..] david finally decided to let me experience wad its like being a back pack. i was the 6th pair frm front n my partner is boon chin. actually now tt i'm at the back, i wish i'm in front. here its lighter but i cant twist as much "

its great to keep a diary to see how i've grown. [actually not tt tt much lah]

today i mentioned tt i wanna focus on my twist.

there were definitely 'feel gd' sets aft a scolding. 'dun even think abt exerting power when ur timing is not even there'

yah, seriously. timing the most basic yet core concept of dragonboat is rowing together!

The last set back was really bad. my shouts went smth like tt, 'pull long' but towards e end of the set, it went 'PULL LONG!!!!!!!' if wenting was ard she'd probably pick up from my tone, the progressive exasperation and frustration. Like u remember my normal tone of 'pause,pause,pause,pause' transforming into a PAUSE! PAUSE! PAUSE! PAUSE!

I dont believe in individual fault, or pack fault. If its a bad set, its e whole boat's fault.

At the pt when i shouted my last 'PULL LONG!!!!', i experienced wad serene ever shared b4 during debrief abt feeling the urge to cry. How bad can a set get? Very bad, sometimes. This is 1 of the sometimes i'm referring to.

Sometimes i just wonder, wad is on everyone's mind when they push 5/10? is it themselves? or is it the team? or is it just gg thru the motion like its any normal stroke. Do u genuinely want the boat to surge? If u want it, den DO it.

No time to blog.

going tianjin= lots of admin work= shitload.

i'm not complaining.

Can we have a secretary in dragonboat?

today it's 3.2+2.2. Turn left or turn right? Today it's turn left aft coming down from the CDTL. Mind over body..dun anticipate..take care of ur partners..encourage one another..lean forward and open up..doing well..regulate breathing..breathe,dun pant..step by step. STEPS! CLEAR THE ROAD!

These are but just the few things tt are on my mind when running.

Mid Autumn Festival celebrations. Argh dun wanna talk abt it. so glad i wasnt there last yr coz i had to leave early for church. last yr it was mooncake celebrations right aft time trial. I left early, aft the emotional incident in e toilet with my jie-mei.

are we there yet? the road is long..

but yes, step by step. rep by rep. stroke by stroke.

am i still e old cindy darling? thanks wenya. it was really nice talking to u on sat.

anyway ytd's trg. now tt i'm a backpack, i can see everyone. at least everyone rowing on the right side. I can see who's really putting in when there's an 'Up' and who's juz easy rowing all the way. i'm disappointed with some. Enough said.

Timing. rather have a group of team rowers rowing tgt with 1 stroke den strong individual rowers rowing their own timing. so wad if u are strong?

Late-coming there's never a valid reason. Unless u tell me b4 hand tt u indeed have got smth on. if e team matters so much to u, u will bother to come down on time for it. No such thing as over-estimation of time, etc. tell me who likes to do it? both wenya n i had yunshan's words ringing in our minds when i made them do the XTRA. having to do unnecessary things.

went in search of a new pair of running shoes but cldnt find a pair ytd. Was quite impressed with zhenyi when she explained how a gd pair of shoes shd feel. I had never taken a pair of running shoes tt seriously, always juz zoomed in on the design n if it's a size US 7.5, den i'll buy it. Nv considered the weight[i found my maroon nike shoes extremely heavy in contrast to e mizuno/asics shoes] or cutting. In short, i'm not a professional runner. today i went out and we found smth i like. took into consideration factors like weight n cutting. it's asics. But i'm still wearing my trusted Nike till it gives up on me.

I'm quite mean sometimes. urgh. its juz the use of a toilet.

fong seng

this entry goes out to my 2 jiemei men[ok maybe its juz jiejie men haha considering tt i'm e youngest in e clique] thanks again. it's been quite some time since we 3 actually got tgt and talked, though we didnt really talk much. Kinda enjoyed the walk back from fong seng. dear jul insisting tt we sang a song; wenya being high; me, erm..the usual. it was juz a brief moment but i really enjoyed it. sorry but i dun have the habit of making pple wait so i had to leave first. Just flashback to 1 yr ago, when we walked back frm fong seng..

flashback
Yup we played the chain game 1 yr ago when walking back. da qiu de qiu ah, qiu pai de pai ah, pai ma pi de pi ah..[yah its tt chinese game] aft we ran out of things to say, we sang when we walked back.

Reality
Anticipation goes on during the run, its normal though no one shd anticipate. following the 6km route out, past the UCC. turn left or turn right? turn right wld mean 6km, turn left, open-ended actually. *whispers goes on at the back*

I turned left. Perhaps it wld be reverse 2.2km? Or??

Qns aft debrief at the grass patch included, 'if we r here, does it mean we r gonna run back aft we have dinner?'; 'must do jumping jacks while waiting for *dun quite rmb wad*?'

-_-"

Perhaps i ever asked silly qns b4, but not so silly!? i didnt order any weird food for fear tt it will come the last again. den i'll have to resort to whining but tts smth i havent done for quite a long time n i dun intend to do so. plus, i've lost my whininess. just ordered teh-ping. aft all i wasnt hungry. the service is still the same aft 1 yr. s-l-o-w!

abt standing firm:
sometimes when u r dead set on ur decision, while another party is also dead set in his decision, wad do u do? if there cannot seem to be a compromise tt is. Separation. well partial separation. go on separate ways. yes it may b a bit more troublesome on e admin side, but i've made a decision, and i'm very sure abt it. leaving on different days but coming back on e same day lah. Rest is very important.

i dun publicise my life here. i think i ever blog bout it last time, tt its juz 30-40% of wad i actually feel, which i blog abt. Same goes for events tt happen. I am not obligated to do so anyway. if u noe it, den u noe it. if u dunnoe, den it doesnt matter actually. my family doesnt noe bout it yet. dun intend to let them noe till a more appropriate time. wads impt really, is my studies. main focus: 1)studies 2)dragonboat. there's no need to spell out the rest.

newly coined words

terms which i coined up tt are accepted in the coxford dictionary. hahahaha.

-TP=take picture;

-powtou-ster=a person who (un)intentionally blurts out a secret;

-pangseh-ster= a person who lets ur aeroplane aft agreeing initially to do smth with u;

-Family car= a car driven by one of ur family members. ;)

trg today. we did gym n den went for a run. its always great to do push ups aft incline press/shoulder press station. yah, i mean, g-r-e-a-t. is it self fulfilling prophesy or its true tt my right delts are now bigger den left delts? that explains why i was such a pain last yr n kept asking if i cld switch n row right 1 week n left in e other week. afraid of growing unproportional. anyway i can feel smth tt wasnt THAT evident 1 mth ago. I hope my feeling is right. Its a nice feeling..

Maybe they havent truly felt it yet, but i think they are slowly grasping e idea of it.

Coming together is a beginning,
Keeping together is progress,
Thinking together is unity,
And Rowing together is success.

A quote tt i got from OBS[Singapore].

ps: i modified the last part. Original version is 'And Working together is success'

Mizuno Run

Mizuno Wave Run: Flag off was at 730am but i was with the juniors and we started at 740am. Running with tt smelly shoes of mine, the maroon Nike shoes. As for why its stinky, tts coz it rained halfway when we were doing our 2.4km run to Sheares Bridge. Not much time for the shoes to dry, and since i've got only 1 pair of running shoes, den juz gotta use it.

My maroon Nike has served me well, i dun want it to retire! Currently the soles are lil worn out and its 'hungry'--parts of the sole has started flapping. Really love this pair of shoes. I've been wearing it for 2 years ald, reason why i love it even more so is coz it suits a lazy person like me who cant be bothered tying shoelaces. I'll juz use it till it really gives up on me..In the meantime, looking out for running shoes. Recommendations anyone? Maroon/red base preferably.

Less than 1/2 way thru, Cherylene was lagging and wasnt feeling too gd so i ran behind with her. She kept apologizing, saying tt she was holding me back and was asking me to go first. Suddenly recalled Legs and Paddles, 13/03/05. Yah, its not always about the timing. Of course, there are occasions tt require best timing, but diz is not one of them. Being the one who kept talking throughout the run, tt poor girl had to tolerate e scoldings when she slowed down/stopped running; me asking her qns bout whether she liked running; telling her some of my personal experience in running[i started out in sec 1 with a hate for running]; telling her to breathe, dun pant.

Finished the run in a time of 1hr 19min. Wasnt really a scenic run, juz a straight road and cars emitting exhaust fumes, water points with no water, no bag deposit point. Didnt feel tt it was worth the $15, compared to the $10 we paid for the Swift Athelete Association Run tt had bag deposit pt and free flow of orange juice for refreshments. But the terrain this time rd was more bearable[compared to MacRitchie] since its juz roads, and all in all, its abt who u run with. The company. Coincidence or not, i dunnoe. I 'sprained' my left ankle while running. Last time i ran with cherylene i also 'sprained'it. 'Sprain' meaning u accidentally land on ur ankles and hop for the next 2 steps coz u fear tt it may sprain but its fine. Tt was when i accidentally blurted the f word coz e last thing i'd need is a sprained ankle. Who's happiest aft the run? I wld say my brother, for he inherited the blue Mizuno shirt tt came only in L size when we collected e goody bag.

Wasnt in the best of moods ytd. Apologize if i got u worried, or if i accidentally pissed anyone off online or wad. I've got my moods, i get angry. But i'm ok, i'm feeling better ald. Thanks for asking. In fact, its amazing how sometimes one can draw the inner strength to comfort n provide assurance to others, even at a down pt. Anyway, Ytd i went for Mass, the Fr. preached bout 'when 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, there I will be' He preached tt we shdnt attempt to solve a problem in isolation.

emotion-less

Recently i thought i have become a very unfeeling person. Stoic maybe? I'm not sure but i feel that i'm not as able to express my emotions as well as before. If its sad, ok. If its happy, alright. U noe wad i mean?

Feeling like a not-so-human human. If i'm sad, or watch a sad show, my tear ducts are simple inactivated. It's just, 'oh..okie'

This morning while coming to sch, on bus 96, i just felt so disorganised. It's just this week, everything seems so unplanned for. Ok, maybe it's according to my plan, but i cant seem to be able to accomplish wad i set out to do, unlike the previous weeks when i managed to complete my readings b4 lectures.

Received a concerned sms from a very close fren, and i told him i felt like this week everything's bad. He called and we talked. Thanks, it sure did make me feel a lil better. I know i'm not feeling a lil lack of love, i have love coming frm my friends, my team mates, my family. I just feel like a wood block. So emotionless, or at least, so expressionless. Like i dun care at all. Then suddenly i kinda juz started having this warm tear flowing down my cheeks, yes on bus 96 on my way to sch.

Sniffs. Used the back of my hand to wipe it away.

Picked myself up. It was such a fast recovery.

I cant..not on the bus. not anywhere.

What are strong shoulders for when they cant shoulder heavy loads?