smile..coz it happened

incident 1
this crazy game says:
so how's training?
there is none like u says:
ok
there is none like u says:
oh no
there is none like u says:
r u gonna ask me wad i mean by ok?
this crazy game says:
haha what u mean by ok??
this crazy game says:
hahaha

this crazy game: melissa (ex ex capt)
there is none like u: me

whoever is reading tiz--my jnrs, my snrs, or my batch mates..u'd realise tt i too, was also a victim of the 'how's trg' qn. so dun whine abt it.

incident 2
when serene gave me a rosary when i was in yr1, my reaction was, 'woah..'
I told myself tt someday, i'd do the same for another person for at tt time, it was thru praying the rosary tt dispel my fears. fear as a pacer. fear of coming for trg. fear of screwing up during race. it was thru prayer tt i felt e serenity. i felt at peace wif myself n protected frm unncessary anxieties.

2 yrs ltr, tt person turned out to b manda. i dunno y i bought it. i juz did. i guess u can say its a miracle? It's Him working in me, choosing me to reach out to her? It's juz so real, esp when upon giving her, she exclaimed instantanously, 'omg..my mama gave me e same thing on sat!' Perhaps i juz didnt wanna feel tt helplessness of watching her cry. I wanted someone to take away the unhappiness n probs she was facing. esp knowing tt i'm bad wif words, i juz prayed tt if it be His will, i'd b able to help her, somehow.

it's these little things tt make me smile.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain. -Tears and Rain, James Blunt-

heartbroken

i forced myself not to cry today. went to the prayer room @st francis church wif my brother today. Ironically,it was he who requested me to bring him there, hence i accompanied him. Sat beside him n as i was praying beside him, i heard him sniffing.

being the usual insensitive me, i shrugged it off n convinced myself tt he was merely having a cold. n den i carried on praying.

"pls lord..if it really is tt my brother is crying, grant me ur gifts to comfort him n let the words flow frm within"

i turned over, n i saw my brother crying. it was a heart-wrenching sight to see a grown man drowning in tears, reduced to such a pathetic state. i've nv seen him so vulnerable b4. i rmb my brother teasing me b4, 'cindy, the day i c u cry..i'd also cry' he said tiz coz he noes tt his little sister is a tough cookie. or at least, tt's e impression he gets of me.

i was wrong to think tt he has gotten over e break up. so wrong. i extended my hand to him n touch him, coz i know as humans, we yearn for tt reassuring touch. however i cant help but feel awkward abt it, coz as siblings, we aren't tt close. somehow we nv quite confide in each other ever since young. all i rmb abt my childhood days wif him was alot of rough fighting, kicking n biting. i rmb him calling me stupid n me actually being convinced tt i am indeed stupid. i always told myself i'd work twice as hard as my brother n be better than him, coz he had the advantage of being smart. wad i lacked, i had to compensate wif hardwork so as to outdo him. perhaps, it's a 2nd child syndrome. we shared alot of stuff btn each other, except our problems.

but it really pained me to feel tt helpless once again. i really feel tt i'm a bad consoler. i suck coz i really cant find the right words to say. all i cld do was to say a hurried prayer, "Lord pls help me find the right words. let me b ur instrument to reach out to him "

wad my bro said whilst sobbing remained clearly etched in my mind. "Cindy, y is God so unfair? Why has He robbed me of my spirit? I'm a totally different person now. I'm no longer funny. Even my frens realised i'm not the same ben tt they noe of. I'm robbed of all happiness. Why did she betray my trust? I'm a person with no soul..my spirit is gone. My heart hurts, literally."

Upon hearing tt, i felt so sad. I was choked. I didnt noe wad to say to comfort him. all i cld say was, 'I think..there's a reason y things happen n it's not for us to question y. i'm sure He has smtg better planned for u. u juz..gotta believe.' i tried v hard not to cry coz at tt pt, i knew i had a duty. to comfort him. to give support. not the other way round.

He's really a changed person. Robbed of lameness. No longer funny.

But he doesnt nd me, he nds God. i can only pray for him to cling firmly to his faith amidst all these adversities.

guess he wont see tiz, but i hope he realises tt even though i'm an absent sis, always MIA frm home, i still care alot for tiz family n for him as well. once again, all i can do is to juz sit n watch him drown in tears. he's not the only one wif probs. i can only pray tt the pple who have told me of their probs in quivering voices, in sniffs n tears, will receive healing n strength.

training camp..here we go

my 2 babies..yc n lijun
the pple @ the bbq
bz @ work. it's a tough job..
not juz rowers, but fighters (not in pic: sheryl)
a blur pic of the remaining 5
hahahah they r holding hands to pray (frm left: hamizah, karine, yingbei n raine)

raine wif the capts one boat, 1 heart.
pyschotic killer in e making
phyllis n lijun baby
my roomie n i (rachael is a v nice roomie btw)
General Election 2007. nah i'm kidding..it's for line up.
my talented roomie ;]
taking pic whilst waiting for zw..
who was discussing impt stuff wif sir. (father n daughter..heh)
dinner in yih
when-yah n raine posing wif my extremely handy housewarming gift.
wenting wif my 野蛮 roomie. look wad sheryl did to her hair!
our own party @ 5-213 (rang wif lijun *ahem* wenya me christie angela raine wenting n sheryl)
some pple wait a lifetime..for a moment..like tiz. e yih uncle finally got it right. for once, the eggs r yakun standard
believe me when i say, it's lonely at the top. It really is.
candid shot @sdba (sheryl raine me qianyi sharon weixin christie)
battle scars..check out the numerous blisters
yuen ching baby, angela, karine n qianyi
药球..the fast n effective way to get bulging delts.
breakfast in yih
lunch at beach road
snooze..
even our capt gets tired too.
westside story (wenting me phy n rang)
whilst waiting for the bus to come
waitg for trg to commence
a triangle relationship??
e cancers n i
look who has fallen asleep

i finally blogged.

trg camp is no doubt more fun compared to last yr's; maybe also coz there's the absence of a heavy responsibility to shoulder. or tt there's more welfare. or? i dunno.

of helplessness
pple cry for diff reasons. i saw phy, ml, manda (n many others too) cry. perhaps i'd nv fully understand wad they are gg thru, but it pains me sometimes that all i can do is really, to sit n do ntg abt it other than to watch them cry.

of detachment
i took steps to 'self-detach' myself emotionally so tt as i leave tiz team in a couple of days, i'd b able to handle it. but i realise it's sheer futile attempts to do so, coz my heart is v much wif the team..no matter how hard i try to turn away frm them.

of being torn apart
how to fit 30 pple into a 20-crew boat? literally, no. mentally n emotionally, yes it remains a possibility. decisiveness has always been a trait of mine. hence when told to list down the names, i did it quickly n w/o much hesitation. come sunday, i dunno if i have the emotional capacity to handle it.

of being perfect
i'm sorry i cant be perfect (if it's the usual definition)
but if it's in the context of complete trust for my gals, yes..已经很完美.

of feeling together as one
b4 the trg camp, i felt like the team wasnt at all bonded. probably juz rowing for individual reasons, or perhaps blinded by the thought of winning. at least i feel tt we r pushing one another as one, feeling tgt. it's no longer juz a void. it's the pple once again.

of having pacers as roomie
so far, only sheryl is the odd one out. apart frm tt, in my 3 yrs in db, i've been having pacers as roomies. wenting, yc, angela, zw, n rachael. n yah, it's pretty nostalgic hearing what rachael had to say when i asked her bout how she's feeling bout the race.

me: r u feeling nervous abt it?
her: abit la, but juz do my best la n not let anyone down

it's daunting being a pacer, as a yr1. its like, filled with millions of doubts abt why the hell r u pacing, when everyone else behind u who r watching ur cue as u punch in, r way more experienced rowers than u r. u feel small, v small. then for a moment right b4 the race, u look back n glance at everyone. u realise tt u have a formidable mid n back pack tt u can so rely on. for tt moment, u feel tt sense of serenity of which no1...no1 can rob u of.

i guess she's feeling the same way too.

currently at a loss of words. wont be blogging bout my emotions n stuff. the aquarians gave a touching account of it.

enjoyed today's trg.

had e opportunity to pace wif wt when we were rowing back. it brought back quite some memories. i tried hard not to laugh at her for some parts durin the row. was grinning coz i recalled e times how serene wld scold us. how we were deluded for a moment aft we heard dr mel saying to the guys tt pacers have 'supreme authority'.

right aft tt, we juz rolled our eyes, turned to each other n were like, 'where got!? at least not in the girls' team..' Being a pacer meant the opposite of 'supreme authority', it meant gettin the most scoldings. aft each set, we'd quietly turn over n get arrowed by everyone.

here's smtg i chanced upon while looking at e archives of my blog entries. then..n now.

I get frustrated. I do know tt i'm not alone, tt in e boat, all of us are battling our own inner frustrations, inner weaknesses, mistakes we wanna change. Yet like what i said when we went 1 round during debrief, i do feel excited bout the coming race. Frustrated yet excited. That's wad i feel. N its the only positive thing said when we went 1/2 e circle. I wanna feel the magical feeling that e snrs talk about. What made Boon Chin well up with tears when she recounted last yr's June Race at the dinner table last sem during our last land trg? What is this whole abstract thing that the snrs talk about? About breaking point, about feeling for each other, about rowing ur hearts out? N what made me 'woah!!' and left me speechless when i viewed the short macromedia flash in Yunshan's laptop which showed the unexpected victory last race. What exactly is it?? I want to know. No, more importantly, i want to feel. Not only to see to believe, but also to use the heart. June 20th 2005

is it too greedy of me if i said, i want to feel it once more?

finally have some time, n energy to blog. worked on mon, thurs n fri. i'm tired, but i noe its not an excuse. everyone's tired as well.

penang 07. "if there's 1 thing tt doesn't change abt penang, it's the weather" -theresa

the welfare duo proceeds to hand us their penang souvenir--mini fans

personally, i beg to differ. to me, each yr i come, i'm exposed a changing penang. telok bahang dam used to b a nightmare. dreaded each time we had to go down for races n trudge up n down the steps aft every race set. now however, they made significant changes to facilitate rowers.

apart frm a changing landscape, there's much changes in terms of team dynamics as well. i wld say, the team culture n mindset has evolved thru the years. there's no right or wrong, gd or bad-- abt it. there's so much truth to the phrase, 'the only constant is change'

or maybe, ntg has changed. it's my perception n a different lens tt i look thru n think. perhaps it comes wif age. or maybe wif maturity. i'm quite saddened tt sometimes frens think differently frm me. but how am i to expect frens to agree on everything?

these days, i find it increasingly hard to express myself. hence(paiseh ah twin..) i borrow ur quote, coz i can really relate to it.

The torturing runs,
the un-enduring gym sets,
the oh-my-god circuits,
the never-ending pullups,
the long long warm and cool down,
the terrible tyre sets,
the uncountable race sets,
the awful accelerade drink,
the smelly kallang water,
the even more smelly sponges,
the super-mafan paddle,
the increasing nos of jumpin jacks,
the super-suan dips,
the ultra ugly tan lines,
the OUCH painful abrasions...

yes, one can never understand, unless they have experienced it themselves. I gave up explaining to my friends. It is sad that i cannot share such a valuable part of my life with them. But, at least my sisters are with me now.

I know i am getting mushy. I hate myself when i get emotional. But, race is so close. We are so close to the finishing line. I really want all of us to cross the end point together, with no regrets. I want to end my dragonboat career with a beautiful fullstop. I want so much, yet I know there are limits.

Jiayou gers, we are getting there.

One boat, one heart.

Yes, i am beginning to feel the one heart.

I have sold my soul to my gers, just like how Dr Faustus has sold his soul to the devil.

Yet, I have no regrets. -wendy, my twin (june 2005)

我的野蛮 roomie

r u ready to meet my terror roomie, a.k.a interiorly weird gross thing?

Countdown in 5..
4..
3..
2..
1..
here we go.

sheryl lim..loves to claim tt she is shy n demure. check tiz out-->
acting cute is another speciality of hers.
her forte is terrorising pple, making them do as she instructs. esp when it comes to taking sexy poses. she's the expert lol!
karine: "save me somebody!"

we have our own quiet moments at night. wad do we do when it's juz the 2 of us? pray. (i'm serious!) ps: she's reading her bible, while i juz finished prayin e rosary.

wad a nightmare to have spent 2 days on a king-size bed wif her. wahahah

she claims tt tiz is the result of me giving her a love bite. But seriously..i dun have such bad taste.

we have 1 thing in common--eating! it's a must. we were 1st to arrive for breakfast *beam wif pride*

tt's her when she's meditatin.
sexy pose 1101. do it like tiz--> finger to ur pouty lips.
sadly..she's already taken. lol ;]
n so u have it. the most terrorising roomie award definitely goes to sheryl. wad an amazing feat to have endured living wif her for 4d 3n, n coming back sane and alive. i'm still wondering how manda n zw arranged such tt we became roomie.

but i'm sure someone will so love diz entry..hor orh kee? ;]