心里有话想说

i have this great urge to delete my blog. if within these few days u type my add n diz page does not display, yah, its gone. Gone for good.

i'm not into self-pity. was never a fan of self-pitying either. i believe in positive action.

The thing abt a blog is tt its really contradicting. On the 1 hand, u r supposed to be truthful bout ur feelings bec this works somewhat like a diary, just that its an online diary. On the other hand, u cannot reaveal too much as well coz u dun really want the whole world to know how u r feeling. So, is this some form of being selectively discreet? Or subtly sexy?

Yah, i noe that the language of pain is universal, and that everyone goes thru the same humanistic spectrum of emotions such as joys and tears, and that blog entries allow pple to relate their feelings in relation to mine. But i can no longer do so; i need to either bottle them all up or to share it with a person.

I left the exam hall earlier for my very last paper, pl1101e--intro to psychology. Left 20min b4 time was up. I had finished doing all 100 mcq but didnt bother staying to re-check. i had smth on my mind, and that was enuf to keep me preoccupied. I didnt have any mood to stay a moment longer. If u think u noe wad's it, think again. Or just ask me to confirm ur speculations. I may very well juz tell u if i feel like it.

U dun need to read my blog to noe what's happening in my life right now. Sometimes all it takes is just to ask when u see me. I may be a WOman of few words, but in tt few words i can tell u juz how i feel and wad's gg on in my life now. Isnt it sad tt nowadays, the form of finding out how's ur friend doing, is to read his/her blog. Even if u see him/her everyday in sch?

For those who like reading my blog, well..i dunnoe. I dun see anything special bout mine actually. Its so concise and simple[needless to say, B-O-R-I-N-G] tt i think it's better if u'd refer to my 2 close friend's blogs instead.

Some wounds take a longer time to heal as compared to others. But the impt thing is tt 在哪里跌倒，就从哪里爬起来。

zai4 na2 li3 die1 dao3, ziu4 cong2 na2 li3 pa2 qi3 lai2.

From where you fell down, that is where u get back up.

Dont start today with ytd's mud on your feet.

i'm sorry.

You know wad?

wad fails to kill me makes me STRONGER.

Thank u for coming down today.

cheez meiping jiejie[ha!] weili wangwee guimei suannie and hmm..u.

Though u'll probably not see this. hahaha. Told u dun come ald wad. Now bc's gonna say i shd encourage him to come so as to involve him and let him see what its all about.

The reason y i dun really want my close friends or him to come is tt it can get boring, esp for a person who is not into db stuff. U get wad i mean? Just like if i werent a hard-core soccer fan, i'd probably not wanna go and watch a soccer match. Coz i wont know wad the hell is gg on.

wad is emblazened on our ivp jacket?
.
.
.
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teamNUS

We r not just ANY team.

And this itself means ALOT to me.

Deviance

Wondering why i decided to stab myself twice, and even thrice by re-relooking at the answer key for EL1101e. Yup, the answer key was posted in the ivle.

Stayed over at wendy's ytd nite. Thanks twin. Set my alarm at 8am but i woke up at 7 and just couldnt get back to sleep. For the crappiest reason, i couldnt get back to sleep. Troubled over something u'd probably laugh abt if i told u. Yea, like seriously..

Dammit lah, inspiration not coming. When did it become a tradition? Walau.. I shd be a deviant or smth.

Ntg much to blog actually. i juz sat for my 3rd paper, js1101e-Introduction to Japanese Studies. It was ok.

"so what do u mean by ok?" Wenya and Jul probed when i walked into the conference room. "Cindy u always say cannot say ok, den u say ok.."

Rite.

Ok means: The paper was manageable. Some parts were definitely tricky[yea dun underestimate a 50 MCQ paper ok!?] and other parts were alright. To sum up, i did wad i could and applied wad i studied into the answering of questions.

I shall run today. It rained the whole of ytd n i didnt manage to run! Dammit.

I'm prepared. Are u?

PS: may i know who's anonymous who left the comment for my previous entry?

Running alone helps me sort things out better. Time to beat: 11.43min. I shall outrun myself.

Maybe everyone shd stop asking if i'm ok, since 99.9% of the time, my answer will be 'yah i'm ok.' A redundant qn maybe?

Thing is, I'm really ok.

Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears shed for others are a sign of strength.

I so wanna f*ck care bout things, bout health, bout injury, bout studies, almost everything bout everyone.

But u know wad? I realised tt I so freaking care, so much so tt i dun even say it out explicitly.

Why do i even bother?

Really. Like, why?

yea, an update

The stupidest thing happened on Wed nite, make it Thurs morning at 1am. A bathroom mat is supposed to be non-slippery rite? A typical person would step on it after she leaves the bathroom. Being a typical person, I stepped onto the bathroom mat upon leaving the toilet.

*KA BOOM*

Yea, it was a loud thud. I was in the 'will u marry me' position when i landed, hence explaining the big blueblack on my left knee. I attempted to make it seem like ntg's happened by recovering fast and adjusting the mat back to its original position. A failed attempt. Obviously, coz of the very loud KA BOOM sound.

Thanks ah bc..

Thurs saw me studying in central lib. Quite productive, probably a gd move to change the study environment and not just stick to 1 place. *Gd Advice* YIH is simply too cold for a human being like me to thrive in, while conference room has its distractions that i'm able to overcome. Mind over body. But it was definitely a timely change. Went to have dinner with him. He talked and i listened.

Yah, if u havent ald noticed, I am a keen listener. Even jul commented tt though we both are the quiet type, I'm the quieter of us 2 and hence this explains y i dont talk much. My typical reply wld be, 'Right..' 'Yah' 'Like seriously' 'Orh'

One word replies.

Dont even think about making me talk. I do talk, in fact i do quite a bit of talking. But given a choice btwn talking and listening, I'd choose the latter.

Am i too independent? How can one tone down on independence? It is as impossible as the idea of motivated forgetting. For instance, my psychology lecturer flashed this no. on the screen-374. Then he said, 'ok, i want u to forget this!' He was trying to illustrate the pt that there can never be motivated forgetting. Yea, i still remember that no. although the lecture was close to 2mths ago. Likewise, how can one to one tone down on independence and start learning to rely on pple, even if its juz a lil more? Another thing i need to do is to learn to open up. Argh, its not in my character. Twin n i have 1 thing in common, ie we tend to bottle things up. I know its unhealthy n all, but its an ascribed character trait, its not achieved.

Ok, soci overload. Sex is a biological concept(ascribed) while gender is a social construct(achieved). Since i'm at the topic, let me talk abt my sc1101e test today. In the end my decision was to write on family and on religion. There was another qn on gender and sex, a topic i thought i wld touch on during the exams but in the end, i chose not to. Essay Qn was: Why do sociologist differentiate btwn gender and sexuality?

As much as i have an idea of the difference btwn gender and sex, i couldnt seem to answer the 'why' aspect. I took 10 min to prepare the essay outline. Aft asking myself, 'why ah..' for e whole 2 min and not being able to come up with a gd answer, I chose to write on religion and family instead. Hope to do well.

Exams are here, juz wanna wish everyone all the best. Pple in yih, central lib, conference room. Yup, u can do it. Twin, and everyone else, I'm referring to *U*.

Rite..I'm tired. Need to sleep.

reflections

sometimes i wonder if the little kid (gin na) in me is still alive, or is it gone for gd.

So, today was the last water trg. Frankly i'm glad we had the team to ourselves w/o ah-pa for sat and sun. We can do it by ourselves, u gotta trust each and every one. Yea, trust is earned n some pple has not earned my trust. Or shd i say, tt person broke a trust tt was established. Not worth mentioning who it is. THAT person who gives me no reason to smile abt..

Oh where was i. Right, wondering if the little kid in me is gone for gd or is alive but buried in depths tt requires excavation.

Every now n then, I'd do reflections. Ok, i do it every night b4 sleeping. was looking back on today and all tt was in it. Aft trg we TP-ed. Right. And my excitement for TP-ing is so low i cant seem to link it the idea of me actually being the TP advocator. It was wenya who brought a camera. Boon chin had to urge me to take a pic aft they took alot of pics. '5 sec..5 sec only! very fast one!' when i was sorting out stuff with ch. I reluctantly (yea u didnt see wrongly) went to TP.

Jul came down today. A surprise. It was nice talking to u on our way to have lunch, and on the way home. No intention of crying, but upon seeing us and pple calling u, 'Jul!'--us on the boat, u on the shore. Emotions hit u hard. There is really no need to say sorry. My plt mate, my jie mei, my team mate and most importantly, my friend. 8 yrs of friendship and counting. Hahaha i cant help but keep thinking bout obs all of a sudden. broken middle finger, me needing u to lead me to my bed. u know it all *shhhesh*

When u told me bout the seeing us and being so overwhelmed with emotions, i just flashback to the future. Some day i'd be on the shore. Will i feel wad u r gg thru right now? No one can tell for now.

Am i still an open book?

wenting, when u come back try reading me.

Some thoughts just run thru my head all the time. Maybe i shdnt think so much. Dont think, just do.

If i had to do a self evaluation for myself, i'll be so hard on myself.

if showing concern means questioning if i actually study coz it seems like i spend all my time on db, i'd rather not have tt kinda concern.

I'm so pissed off. I'm not being unreasonable here k!? Hello..like other than the times when i'm trg, i am either in the conference room or yih studying. I'm not playing. I truly FOCUS.

We dont see eye to eye coz outsiders, no matter how close, will never truly understand. They never will. People wonder how we seem to be outta our minds to join a team sport when we step into uni[involve ourselves in 3x weekly gruelling trg];while I wonder, how can anyone come into uni without involving yourself in anything at all.

If there's one thing tt makes my uni life complete, its dragonboat. Its not the shit n all e studies. I can cope ok? I will do better in my studies this sem! How much better is another thing but i'll def do better so stop asking me if i've studied coz I DID. I dont need to answer to anyone but myself.

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Chatted with weili and wangwee on msn ytd. It kinda excited me to find out frm them tt they are in floorball in SIM. And yes, weili HAS been updated her blog. hahahah. i'm impressed.

Extracted from weili's blog[eh dun mind rite?]
we went for training after tt...it was great.can feel like im more part of e team than before...maybe ppl r starting to get used to my presence?hee..and i feel good after e physical training...dunno y too,thou it was rather tough?but during e games and drills...i didn really play well and do well.felt quite lousy..its like since sec i've been e better ones but here,im e bottom few...even running im e last!feel really low in my esteem..tt's y everyting during training my face will hung low.juz feel tt im not good enough...i juz hav to get my ego out n be humble,admit tt im bad and start building my foundation properly.realli hope tt i can not only improve and contribut to e team rather than hai4 them but also feel more gelled wif e team...

juz pray tt next training i can put in my best adn improve?i dunn like e feel of being lousy...i'd always feel liek crying but i know tt wun solve anything.i juz have to work towards e goal...

and from wangwee's:
alrite..
after joining floorball for quite sometime..
i shall blog abt training!!!!=)
yeah...
today's attendence not very gd..13 of us only..
besides doing drills,we get to play games too...
yes..till now..i'm still being controlled by the ball instead of the other way round...
*grinz*
give me more time man...

got to thank two seniors, s**** and P**...
though i doubt they will get to read this..
but really thanks so much for trying to help us...
help us improve the way we pass balls,and how to get the 'right feeling' for hitting and passing the balls..
its really greatly appreciated!!!!=)
somethings are best understood in the heart...(though not said to u all,but hopefully it can be felt!)
a big thank you!!!!=)

I can truly identify with weili's words

"actually i really enjoy floorball alot la...it added much spice into my boring SIM uni life :P "

*U* will never understand till u join a team sport. Its such a nice feeling to be able to identify the same feelings. Different sport but the underlying team spirit is there. N yea, the laughter, the tears, feeling lousy aft some trgs but picking yourself up frm there. Not welling up self pity but fighting back. Hey u noe wad weili? Wenya, jul n i had moments of feeling lousy too,last yr. I guess we've got more to talk abt when our clique meet up the next time. All girls outing k? And yes, do call US down when u have competition. We will def go down nsupport e both of u, even if its SIM vs NUS. so we'll c u on 26th n 27th also rite? :]

huh

huh?? like seriously.

e cab driver who drove us[bc, geoks n i] to beach rd for dinner asked, 'how old r u? sec 3??'

hahaha do i look dat young? Then i just entertained him n replied, 'no, i sec 4 this yr'

*bc and geoks at the back of the cab, laughing and wondering y i actually entertain e cab driver*

He believed me. Then he said[in chinese], 'You've got a young face, in fact u look like u r pri 6'

-_-" Huh??

I learnt a new thing ytd. Learnt how to improve on swimming. Ken is a lifeguard tt works in the SRC swimming pool n somehow he got to know me thru jul. He gave me many pointers on my free style. Like rowing, the stroke is important. Catch, Recovery, entry into water. Omg..

N he commented tt my body is not working as a team. The way i swim free style--hands n leg shd work tgt as a team. Right now he said my legs[kicking] is not in sync with my hand[paddling].

Just got me more interested to learn how to execute my strokes better! He's willing to teach me how, the next time i swim again.

Sunday (13/11): OUUUUUUUUUUCH!

Nv felt so smooth though.

health check

Feeling quite restless this week. Urgh

Cheez: I hope u find back ur PPG file, deedee is a nice laptop huh?
Jul: U muz go find out wad were the 8 frm chee ling, i dun remember
Ky: heh, i wont list wad r e 3 here

Went for the NKF health check in sci-ence ytd. Compared e results with e one i had 2 yrs ago. woohoo, i'm pleased. Joining db does wonders :] heh *beams with pride*

My waist hip ratio is still e same, but comparing, it seems like i've lost 7cm off my waist n 8cm off my hip. haha, maybe i can start being a spokeswoman for some slimming centre. yea rite..

Oh and there's e body fat analysis. 2 yrs ago it was 36.2%, now its 24.3%.

But then i got blood pressure is much lower compared to in e past. E lady said i have low blood pressure. Which isnt a gd thing though its better compared to high blood pressure.

Anyway, sci-ence food tastes really gd. Went to eat aft the health check. Sliced fish soup, followed by high class waffles. If there's really 1 thing i miss so much abt sci-ence, it has to be the food. I say this in all seriousness.

Wanna thank wenya for letting me stay over ytd. N twin, let's mug hard tgt yah? Both of us cld not take e cold and eventually studied at e benches outside e study room. Both really tired but displayed symptoms differently. She spoke incoherently while i started talking non-stop. The tired twins..

Tip of the day: Do NOT study econs non-stop for 2 consecutive days. It does funny things to ur brain and diminishes ur liking for the subject, though its not cramming.

focus hardER.

elbow vs paddle, who wins?

*ouch* my elbow hurts.

got whacked once on sat, n thrice today. Whoever was sitting behind me better watch out! hrmff haha

as usual, i went to church today aft studying in yih. I received an sms and it just made me smile. It's tt kinda 'awww' smile. Was frm April, my nc junior.

e sms was as follows:
"Hey senior..do u have senior sue ann's mobile number? -April"

"ord so long le still call me senior!? Her no. is 9******* "

"haha ya la. must show respect ma. ha...thanks senior!"

"Yea welcome junior. Haha u very cute leh"

It's these little things tt warm ur heart, or at least my heart. We trained them well, did we? Those 16 juniors[part Cs] of mine: made me laugh, made me angry, made me cry, made me tekan them, made me resort to sadistic measures, of which this day still remains in my head. heh ;]

"senior", respect, discipline, timing, "kiss e floor" wahahaha.. --talk abt traditions. Some really memorable 4 yrs of my life spent in Crescent NCC. I wanna go back some day. den again, it'll be us facing a bunch of new faces who dun recognise us, n whom we dun recognise.

Cheeling wrote down is list of things tt were on her mind/a potential source of worry and showed it to me in yih today. She had 8 in the list.

I only had 3.

i miss running with amy

my 2nd postcard i received from amy. This time round it came in an envelop. Inside it was a letter and a small cardboard containing 3 maple leaves.

I hope u dun mind tt i post a short blurp of the contents yah?

"It's fall time now, and I decided to send you something really CANADIAN! It's been ~2 years since I've seen the leaves change colour, so i was like a kid collecting stickers! Got u 3 RED MAPLE LEAFS *only Real Canadian ones are RED* You can keep all 3 or share with Julz and WenYa(I don't have their address..) "

Yea, u r the one man! To quote Yirang, 'We r always behind you!" [pun intended] Language play, el1101e. 2 meanings:
1)You have our support
2)We'll always run behind you

When i read the part on smth Canadian, i was thinking along the line of hmm, Grey Owl paddle? ;] Damn, its gonna cost u quite abit to send it over huh? Ignore my crappiness

This is Amy. Amy gives me strength to run, even till this very day. Just to update, hey Amy, the 'I love Amy' vandalism is still there.


Our very last trg in our yr1sem1. This dish is a local delicacy. Xiu1 tau3 pok4.


Yea we posed for this picture while waiting for the rest to arrive. We were starving! It didnt take much to give tt drooling pose.


If you happen to come back Singapore next yr, let me know in advance. I wanna run with u! tt same stretch, to Sheares Bridge. Hah! U r the one who can really shut me up last time when i had e energy to talk while running. We started out encouraging each other on our way there, den when we U-turned back, I went quiet. Then I started breathing harder. Then i wasnt running beside u anymore. I was ~10cm behind u. Then at the noisy longkang, u said, 'Cmon Cindy, let's OPEN UP!' Then i stared at u in disbelief. Then i ran in ur pace. Then we completed the run.

and rowing together as well..

yea, and pull ups[where i provided e 1 hand, i mean, 1 finger support] ;]

to summarise e week

What a week. A record no. of times i went to church this week. Went 4 times this week. Went on Mon for evening Mass coz i didnt go on sunday, den i found out tt there was no evening mass. Took the church bulletin and found out that there's All Saints Day and All Souls Day and Parish Holy Hour for this week. All Saints and All Souls are days of obligations, while Holy Hour..ahh, its been such a long time since i went for it lah. Coz Holy Hour USED to be on Thurs 8pm. Yah..self explanatory huh?

Now they changed the time slot to Fri 8pm, and i felt tt it was a gd chance to go and to just spend tt 1hr in quiet meditation and prayer.
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Yea, its really nice to go back to God. I saved this particular sms tt Jul sent to me the last time we went Pac Cafe, aft which we departed. 'i know it can b daunting but u hv all our support [...]just give ur best n god will do the rest. gd luck :)'
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b4 the silent meditation, this reading was being read:

Jesus got into a boat, and his disciples went with him. Suddenly a fierce storm hit the lake, and the boat was in danger of sinking. But Jesus was asleep. The disciples went to him and woke him up. "Save us, Lord!" they said. "We are about to die!"

"Why are you so frightened?" Jesus answered. "what little faith you have!" Then he got up and ordered the winds and the waves to stop, and there was a great calm.

Everyone was amazed. "What kind of man is this?" they said. "Even the winds and waves obey him!"

Matthew 8:23

Where did my faith go? Or was it intact all these while..
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Somehow this week there were many instances of me displaying 'Mind over Body', or maybe juz 2 instances. Dun really need to display but i guess its innate? hahaha. Nah, its just plain hillarious come to think of it. Like there was this pyschology experiment where i had to immerse my hand into this tub of cold water. The experimenter's instructions were clear. "dip your right hand into the water till ur elbow. At any point tt u feel u cannot take the cold, take ur hand outta e water, but put ur hand back in shortly aft. Stop when u feel tt u cannot continue any longer."

And so i did. Initially for the 1st 10 sec, the cold was bearable. Somehow it began to get freaking cold. I dunnoe what kinda gadget they placed into the water[its not cold water coz of ice, but its some electronic gadget tt was inside e water which made e water cold]. Then the cold began to get really painful to bear. A numbing pain. Still in my head was this voice, 'Mind over body..'

I took my hand out. Then i placed it back in again aft like 2 sec. It was at least e 4th or 5th time dat i dipped my hand in[each time my hand stayed in for shorter duration], dat i told e experimenter, "I can't do it anymore" Like seriously, there wasnt a need to act hero lah. Walau. As Mr Lee Hee Fok frm JJC wld say, "Hero always die first!" Seriously..

today for the holy hour, i just wanted to kneel all e way for e 1hr session. Some pple had ald sat down aft kneeling for quite a while, but i told myself, 'just a while longer' At the end of it, i was thankful i had arm power left to push myself up to regain standing position. Ka1 neng4[leg suan] like mad..knees wobbly.