deedee

it is only today tt i realised tt deedee, for better or for worse, has become part of me.

There was some error and it was juz a black screen and i sent it to the comp centre to see what they could do to fix the prob. Apparently ntg much tt they cld do other den to save the impt documents onto my thumbdrive.

"How abt the pictures?" i asked the person.

"File too big, ur thumbdrive do not have enough memory space to save." He directed me to the toshiba repair centre to have the hard drive changed. Which i did. Went to sci-ence, to the repair centre and handed deedee over. Had to sign a document to consent to this, "All data will be deleted."

It was damn heart wrenching to put my signature down. The documents, though important, is not as impt to my pictures. I'm someone who really loves to take pictures coz i really feel this great need to preserve a memory. Now all will be gone.

The way back to hostel without a 2.2kg load on my hand was most upsetting. My pictures, all my db memories (for the past 1 1/2 yrs).. the idea of losing all tt was juz painful.

Have u watched the mtv by 林俊杰 一千年以后? There's this particular scene of him trying to erase his memory of this relationship he once had. Anyway, tt image flashed in my head and it was almost the same pain intensity, if not worse. the feeling of losing wad's most precious to me. overwhelming. I teared.

So now u kinda know why i love to TP? It's precious, trust me. It's bout me holding on dearly to a part of memory, which u very well noe, is subject to distortion and it gets lost aft some time. I want to keep it as alive as i can, to the best capacities.

Boon chin came over to hostel and aft hearing my story, adviced me to take back deedee to have the pictures recovered b4 sending my hard disk for repair. She has some backup programme tt i cld save all my pictures n documents into. Went back to sci-ence to collect dee and upon some experimentation, she kinda fixed my laptop. yah like seriously, wow~. thanks man. Decided to buy some happy food and spread the happiness ard. I choose to be happy and i want to be happy. Yes, i have the habit of giving my roomies the intangibles. Things tt cannot be bought. Happiness for one, comes in the form of a whiff. For those who do not understand, well, u dun really have to. Try being my roomie and u'll find out ;]

i'm still upset tt deedee is down, even aft bc resucitating it. think its kinda gone for now.

today has pretty much been an emotional roller coaster ride for me. i guess its nice to have a ci gina playing some form of hide-and-seek in our hostel. Seriously, i once again reiterate tt maturity dun come with age. Have to play scanvanger hunt to find back piglet and ducky. Given cheesy hints like 'piglet fell when its abt to take things to shower' -_-"

This gina happens to be someone who ever said to me, 'u play cheat is it!?' aft she supported me in my doing of pull ups. Or the 'how come u dunno u nv ask!?' That was in my yr 1 sem 1. Like seriously..

You Should Be A Leo

What's good about you: you always speak your mind and aren't scared of anything What's bad about you: you have to be the boss, and you love to control others In love: you enjoy being admired and pampered, but don't always reciprocate In friendship, you're: easy to get along with and the center of attention Your ideal job: member of royalty, TV anchor, or investment banker Your sense of fashion: classic well fitting clothes that last forever You like to pig out on: Greek or Italian food

What Sign Should You Be?

ok i did 1 blogthing. its damn boliao la, seriously. anyway today marks the end of the mid sem break. like for the nth time, 'wad break!?' i'm back home at the very moment.

Positive vs Normative statements. I'm a Leo, and the test says i should be a Leo. Thing i hate abt myself being a Leo is my pride. 骄傲的倔强 Sometimes it juz gets in the way. But i've really toned down on it. think its both a gd and bad thing, but more towards a bad thing if u do not control it well. Leos naturally want to outdo oneself and constantly seek to challenge themselves because of this delicate thing tt they have in excess(by default). Pride.

HIM

went to attend CSS Rally Mass ytd. Somehow i dunnoe y but during lunch with denise in sci-ence, she asked if i wanted to go for CSS Mass, since it wld be the Rally Mass to end off the Catholic Awareness Week. As always, she cld kinda ald anticipate the low chances that i wld go. Yah, i'm seriously no longer involved in css, not like i was involved last time; but at least in e past i still did go for mass at lt17 biz every fri.

Aft lunch, we departed and b4 i went off to arts for lessons, she asked, 'so i suppose u r not going for mass today rite?' and i replied, 'erm i'll let u noe again.' At tt point in time, my answer was kinda swayed towards a no. i dunnoe wad made me change my mind, perhaps God really wanted me to go or smth. Then at abt 3+, i msged her. 'Hey i'm going for mass..'

So i went for mass and sat beside her. somehow it was really like e bible story of the prodigal son. To some extent, i was the prodical child. the one who left and now am found? Yah kinda..shirley and regina and all the pple from sci-ence who are also in css were damn surprised to see me. Still, i felt a lil outta place, having been out of touch for almost 2 semesters.

Had this Praise and Worship session b4 mass proper. Yah, denise cld sense tt i was 'overwhelmed'. Like seriously, i'm really not into tt kinda worship. Like raising ur hands and 'Amen-ing' and all tt. it juz felt, weird. I mean, nvm. quite hard to explain but perhaps i like to acknowlege Jesus in a more subtle way. i'm juz not the kind who'd go out and like proclaim to everyone..'Hey Jesus IS in me! AMEN!!" u-noe-wad-i-mean?

Commentator: Jesus is our lord and he loves us

All(except me):AMEN!!

*then me at the corner, looking furtively ard, feeling a lil uncomfortable*

Whispered to denise, 'eh since when did it become all Hillsongs ah?'

Amidst all tt was going on ard me, i juz decided to say a prayer. Dear God, where are u? Why am i even here..i feel very lost.

I dunno but wad striked me was this particular song, The Potter's Hand. And the commentator mentioned tt a potter can mould a clay only if it is soft. when the clay is hardened, the potter will be unable to shape it the way he wants it to. Somehow it just striked me at the very pt in time that my heart has hardened so much that as much as God wld like to mould me into what He wants to me to be, He can only do so if my heart is soften.

Denise, if u caught me sniffing, or teary eyed..yah. i think i was touched by something tt i havent experienced for a very long time. touched by the holy spirit. u were right to say i was overwhelmed. But eventually, it wasnt the PnW tt overwhelmed me, it was the gift of the holy spirit.

Dun quite understand y i wanna hold it back also. guess its very much a face issue as well. cant expect me to be seen crying like mad in public. once the holy spirit comes over u, there's like 3 possible reaction. can laugh, cry or faint. mine's the crying one. it's an extremely uncontrollable and unexplanable phenomenon. i cant further describe it for the lack of spritual capacity to do so. Like during the retreat last year, i was juz visualising the image of jesus coming close to me [coz sr. molly asked us to] and then i was overwhelmed, den my tap just turned on. i juz walked out of the room to get a grip of myself, leaving serene a lil perturbed over wad had happened. Sometimes i think i'm juz afraid to let the holy spirit work in me.

somehow i dun want it to end here. i wld really like to go for css mass more often, but its difficult. its not juz a time factor, but also fitting in. i mean, yah the people there are friendly and accepting, but..its a giant leap of faith. Right now i'm juz taking a puny step. However, i think 1 thing's for sure. i think u are the chosen one to bring me back to my catholic faith, to re-discover it again. faith alone isnt enuf eh? u nd deeds as well. thanks denise. *hugs*

H.I.M--He's In Me

of relationship

i cant sleep. for all the comfort my bed provides, i cant freaking get to sleep. urgh!

been thinking bout relationship. there are times when there'll be pple who tease u and someone and make u both an item. then it goes on and sometimes it gets to an extent where nothing becomes something.

you begin to wonder if u really like him, and he also wonders if he likes u.
.
.
.
Den you decide to give this relationship a try.

And then aft a while, you realise tt life comes back to a full circle. for all that 'trying', u eventually come to an understanding that sometimes, friendship is much more sought for than boy-girl relationship. [or for tt matter, bbr/ggr] Why?

in my point of view, commitment dun come into the picture when u r friends. even if u dun see each other for 1-2 weeks, or even 1-2mths, all u nd to do is just call and find out how the person is doing. But if u dun go out wif ur other half at least once a week, or once every 2 weeks, this whole thing about commitment bugs u. How much are you committing into e relationship? Why arent u seeing each other? With commitment ties in the other aspect, ie obligations.

Obligations are when u feel the need to fulfil certain roles. To take care of yourself, to inform each other n keep each other updated of whereabouts, to give of yourself physically/emotionally etc. i mean, as friends, yes u do have certain obligations, but u dun need to take care of urself too much. coz friends dun have a tendency to be overprotective, but will be generally supportive of wad u do.

Funny isnt it, how sometimes u get closer to a person when u stop trying to do so. While in the past when u tried ways and means to do so, often u received a cold shoulder. or the person starts to avoid u coz he/she becomes afraid of being misunderstood.

i'm not an expert in relationship but in some aspects, can safely say its tried and tested.

Let it go.

Teach me to Listen

Teach me to listen O God,
to those nearest me,
my family, my friends, my co-workers.
Help me be aware that
no matter what words I hear,
the message is,
"Accept the person I am. Listen to me."

Teach me to listen, O my caring God
to those far from me-
the whisper of the hopeless,
the plea of the forgotten,
the cry of the anguished.

Teach me to listen, O God my Mother
to myself
Help me be less afraid
to trust the voice inside-
in the deepest part of me.

Teach me to listen, Holy Spirit,
for your voice-
in busyness and in boredom,
in certainty and in doubt,
in noise and in silence

Teach me Lord to listen

Amen

~A prayer that i say every morning, and that is pinned on my noticeboard. This prayer was given to serene n i during e retreat last yr.

聽- Take a look at the chinese character. It consists of 3 elements-ear(耳) eyes（目）heart（心）

I chose to listen to tt inner voice in me today. homesickness is real. i chose to go home today. i listened to the part in me that is protesting bout a sense of emptiness, the need to go back home to where i'd feel accepted. back to creature comfort, my bed. back to my soft toys, familiarity of faces, even my irritating brother.

The importance of listening, not juz hearing, but LISTEN.

Right now, i juz need some time for myself.

Rock-climbing at climb adventure on fri, anyone?

the need to love myself abit more, something which i havent exactly been doing. i think i devote too much time and love on stuff i hold more dearly to than myself. so much so that i forgot that deep down inside, i've been neglected by myself.

For all who have told me to NOT bottle up my probs, i'm really making the effort to change. To share it. In some aspects, i think i'm selfish..to myself.

So much i want to share, but this aint the appropriate avenue to do so. I cant have like say 50pple[assuming 50 pple bothers to read my blog] knowing me thru and thru.

i'm not blogging till i find time to do so.

for 1, i've got many things to settle and if i've nv given u the impression[coz i dun show it, n i hide my feelings] tt i'm worried, or upset, den let me tell u now.

I AM.