i'm ok

juz a short entry..i'm fine really.

yuupers..thanx for all the concern. i've been bz during the weekends staying in school to study. compensate big time, smtg i learnt frm db, n now applying it to my life.

"we dun nd to do big things, juz small acts of love."

to u it might seem like a small gesture, but to me, it means alot :]

aftermath

right aft the paper, i had wanted so badly to go back to hall. to my room, to hide away.

i controlled, i sucked it in. "no, cindy u wait..u hear me?"

u hear me?

i wished i'd not see anyone on my way back. i juz wanted to hide away in my shell, n get back to a place where i can be alone. i didnt want anyone to see such tiz pathetic state of mine. even i didnt wanna see myself like tt. i hate e human weakness, tt state of helplessness.

and den i bumped into her.

"how's the paper?"

"screwed"

right aft tt monosyllabic word came out of my mouth, i could wait no longer. emotions vs rationality. the former took control n i was left standing there, crying in her arms.

"i wanna..go back..to my room.."

to be honest i'm juz so damn disappointed with myself, at the same time i'm struck wif a crippling fear of not being able to graduate shd i fail the module. fear..of not being able to live up to expectations. i dunno how to face myself, or the pple ard me. even myself. hence i literally locked myself in the room, lay in bed n juz let it go. let it all go.

thanx wenya. n e sweeter girl in pink. n rang. n hmm..those who asked.

give me some time to pick myself up. i'd be fine.

i hope i didnt scare the hell out of anyone. i guess, tiz is the real side of me. i'm not tt strong aft all. emotionally. who wld have known? not even myself.

wads new

i cried today. an hr ago

behind the mask of my game theory notes back in hall.

who knows?

no1.

i didnt want it to show..not to my roomie, not to e gals. i didnt wanna scare e hell outta anyone.

i nd time..i nd wisdom..i nd serenity..i nd God.

mizuno mt faber run..

well let's see. if u thought kent ridge park was bad..u obviously havent tried mt faber.

no kidding.

in terms of gradient, kent ridge park beats any mt faber hands down. but the one tt i conquered today is like..a sucession of one aft e other. it was ardous, painful. in fact it was literally breath-taking (pant like mad..)

the fact tt it beats kent ridge park is coz in comparison, kent ridge is more like a short but quick death. as for the latter, it was a prolonged suffering b4 u die out eventually.

i was dripping sweat n my trusted FBT (all time fav jersey) had no longer served its purpose of absorbing any more, since it had reached saturation pt ages ago. i think at least 1/4 or maybe even 1/3 of the entire 10km route was upslope terrain.

anw i'm glad i survived, thanx to raine n liming who were running alongside. though i'm like super shagged, n hungry at the end of it. let's see..i ate, hmm 5-6 meals today. hahaha opps, my appetite is 0_0

not tt i can help it..i noe i shdnt feel affected by it coz its not unhealthy altogether, n tt it hasnt been affecting my wt (in fact i lost wt n i'm back to my original..) But the fact tt i'm eating more than average also means i cant save as much. most of my money have to b channeled into providign my..hmm insatiable appetite. its like a 无底洞..argh

today i thought to myself a qn..am i selfish? i kinda got an instant answer..'Yes' its juz quite me to think n reflect daily abt the most incredible questions. anw i believe the reason y i concluded tt i'm selfish is the fact tt i go home each time i nd some love. love tt i lack frm sch. esp @ a critical period like now during the exams, when its every woman for herself. dun get me wrong, i'm not saying frens r insignifant n they only care abt themselves.

pt is, i'm also afraid to make the move. to ask for tt lil bit of concern frm frens. for its juz so..not me. if u r ald physically n emotionally drained frm studying, den the most logical thing one shd be doing is not ask tt someone to show abit of concern. coz its emotionally taxing, n i noe it. hence i choose not to bother. to chuck it aside like i dun nd it.

therefore i crawl back home, like the prodigal son who initially chose to cut all ties with his dad, but finally come back when he realised that into his dad's arms was where he'd be accepted.

now the qn..do i reciprocate the love? No
in fact i'm a terror at home. i get mad over the smallest stuff, withdrawing back to the comforts of my room, locking myself in.

wad have i done to receive such unconditional love frm home?

hmm..true?

Your Birthdate: August 19

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it. You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter! You are very prone to love - hate relationships. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

small talk

i suck at it..period.

the stupidest things tt i can come up with when caught in a situation when an aquintance tap on my shoulder n says, 'hi cindy..'

like wad happened b4 the lecture started, when i was in the LT and a fren whom i did a project for a module with 1 yr ago, tapped my shoulder.

she: hi cindy
me: hi. er..wad are u doing here?
(right aft blurting tt out, i was like omg cindy, u really suck. wad e hell were u thinking!?)

like argh..i mean. of course she was there coz she was attending lecture. Why the hell wld she be there if she wasn't?

kill me somebody.

another incident happened today. i was walking out of the econs department aft my consultation, when i bumped into my lecturer for environmental economics.

he: hi cindy
me: er.. hi sir. (my mind doing sprints frm 1 end to the other to think smtg else to say)
me: oh..hmm..i juz finished consultation wif dr park.(like y e hell wld he wanna know tt?)
me: so, r u gg for lunch now?
he: actually..no. i'm going that way.

kill me again.

i really suck at engaging in small talks. i simply cant seem to hold a decent conversation. i believe tts e reason y i seem cold or distant. sometimes i choose not to say 'hi', but juz a passive gesture--smile to acknowledge his/her presence instead of opening my mouth.

coz when once i start..argh.

i guess, its in my nature to avoid doing smtg unless i'm sufficiently confident of doing it well. its juz me n my pride.

something to think abt

"girl, u have 9 (hmm i thought it shd b 11?) more wks to ur PM cup.."
u dun want to wait 1 more yr rite?

sir, we dun have 1 more yr to wait..

*thinks n mumble to himself* "oh hmm. some of ur snrs dun have any more yrs left"

very often, i get drained from the trgs. perhaps its an accumulation, having to cope with duties as a rower, and responsibilities of a student. when tempted to give up, another wave of thought interject at the right moment. it tells me tt everything will be worth it. tiz june, once we achieved wad we set our g-o-l-d towards, at tt very instant..wad we'd be thinking will definitely not be the 4-5x a wk trg we have..

or the blisters on our palms. or the exfoliated layers of skin that we peel off during in our free time. or the numerous V-man, abs, and leg raises we did. or the amt of money we invest in comfort items (sunblock lotion, lost butt pads, cap, sports bra, etc). or the injuries we were free off b4 we joined (back injuries, shin splint..)

like andy lau in the show 瘦身男女 when asked whether it was worth it to carry on being a human punching bag (his means of raising $ for sammi cheng so tt she cld go on her exorbitant but v effective slimming programme):

"值得!"
(it's worth it)

forget rationality. it doesn't exist anw; maybe only in the perfect world.

i dun like fridays..

so unproductive today. felt quite upset coz i didnt manage to accomplish wad i set out to do, so tt means i'd b doing double tmr. double compensate for wad little i have done today.

argh.

the highlight for today was having phyllis n rang over @ my house for dinner. my mum cooked quite abit n msg me to ask rang over. den i thought y not ask phyllis too, since she lives nearby? dinner was quite a simple affair. but its been quite a while since we sat down ard the table n juz have a proper meal. yih is not considered proper.

anw as e days go by, i feel my mum's pretty different frm me. she's quite extroverted, talks alot to anyone. i believe i've gotten more of my dad's trait-- shyness. haha i'm serious! (though i noe i'm damn 'not shy' by saying tt i'm shy).

rang mentioned my lameness runs in the family, aft my brother said, 'no1 goes for mock paper..u noe y? coz its so ridiculous' den there was a moment of silence n den i said, 'yah very funny ah?' -_-^

i kinda enjoy coming back home..its smtg i look forward to. i left yih early today coz i felt v lack of love. tts wad happens when u spend too much time studying, with ur books n readings as best companions. i'm not saying tt there's no love frm my frens or team mates, but sometimes wad i need is tt lil xtra. tt bit of love tt no fren can give..no team mate can replace. n tt comes frm the family. its where u'd eventually turn to when there's no way out.

i used to think '我老了' was a convenient excuse to justify the lack-lustre performance if u cldn't match up with someone who is younger n perhaps more driven den u r.

i used to think i'd nv ever say those 3 words.

i was wrong.

had a gd ol' talk wif phyllis ytd nite. its the once-in-a-while long chat tt forged our friendship n let us noe each other in a more personal level.

i told her how i felt pretty lousy these days. 'phyllis, i feel like i'm an sdba boat, while the younger ones are like the champion boat. i cant glide as well in the water..there's a lot of resistance'

she said, 'if u r an sdba boat, den i'm an sdba boat wif alot of barnicles below'

honestly, these days i feel like i'm running harder, gymming more than b4, exerting more power, juz so tt i can keep up wif the younger ones. for every 1 stroke they pull on e champion boat, i take 2 strokes on e sdba boat to get to where they have glided to. i'm no longer drained mentally, juz maybe physically (i pant more n earlier than b4). it's like diminishing returns is set to my disadvantage, n all i can do is juz let it happen. i cant do anything abt it, but juz dutifully wake myself up each morning, change into my running attire..

train. wif my greatest enemy. myself.

i hate e act of self-pity. Although i've resigned to the fact of e long gone peak performance, my mindset is no longer abt how fast i finish, but simply tt i finish it.

Run Your Own Race.

today's gd friday.

let's see..wad did i do today? i woke up at 8am (yah..wt said i was e only disciplined one) and hit the tracks. went to run, felt abit upset (coz i really am losing my 'burst'), but snapped outta it. i do not allow myself to sink into depression for long.

no, but seriously i've seen better days. better sprints, but sadly tt was 2 yrs ago.

went to bathe, n went for gd friday mass @holy cross. no words can express how much my heart is bursting with joy, now tt e church is done up. ok, not fully done up yet, but i'm juz contented that mass is held back in the main church n not at nus high sch auditorium.

i shan't elaborate further but anw to sum it all in a sentence, "i was lost but now i'm found"

i particularly liked e mass alot, though it was like 1 n a 1/2 hrs long n we stood n knelt quite a couple of times. sometimes it makes me proud to b a catholic, other times i hide my crucifix in shame. today i was proud of the gd old traditions of celebrating mass. honestly, i'm back. back to the heart of worship.

fr. val preached the gospel today. he mentioned abt an undergrad who is a catholic but he wasn't particularly active in his faith. he dissociated himself frm the church. fr val probed n he said, 'well father, u dun find millionaires in the church, do u?' tt guy had wanted everything else other than a simple catholic life.

i thought abt it..it dawned on me tt by being baptised into the faith, by choosing to accept e faith, i ain't gonna b a millionaire. i'm choosing a life of simplicity, of contentment. everything opposite of wad e society is chasing after. money, power, status..

there's a whole lot more stuff which he shared abt but no, i'm not gonna type it here. maybe i shd really find back my faith aft i graduate. i've put it aside for 3yrs to pursue smtg i really love. not tt db has taken me away frm God. at times i feel v bad tt i'm not active in e catholic student's society, but u noe the thing abt faith is tt no matter how pple try to lead u back, there's only tiz much they can do. alot has to come frm within. its whether u want it or not (yah damn cliche) but sadly, i dun wan it as badly as i shd. i'm afraid. hardly have i told anyone abt tiz, well maybe only serene (during the retreat). i'm struck by bouts of fear abt letting the holy spirit take control n really letting it work in my life. i feel i'm no different frm manda. its entirely different for our cases, but similar in a very abstract way. for her its re-taking the 1st step, but for me its taking the 2nd, or even 3rd step. right now, i'm juz hentataki-ing..on square one.

theresa's special. so is angela. they both share abt God in their own different ways n sometimes its quite contagious. i wont deny tt theresa's partly the reason y there was a change of heart, n i was present in church for mass today. even wenting is special (who is extremely rational that there'll nv come the day where she believes in God) At times we ask each other hypothetical qns. her qns usually revolves ard testing me wad i'll do if i were in a particular situation. i give her my answers n she'd ask if my choice of action is a result of acting on faith, or because its really wad i'll do.

i rmb i asked her a qn b4, 'will there ever be the day where u will believe in God?' n she said 'No'. she believes there's an Almighty One out there, but it may or may not be God. she says the rational mind is unable to grapse the concept of there being a person who can control ur fate.

But..isn't faith abt irrationality? actually, there are many Thomas' out there, who nds to see b4 they believe. i happen to be like Thomas as well. The disciple who needed to put his fingers thru Jesus' piereced wounds b4 he'd believe that Jesus had risen frm the dead.

even in economics, the assumption of full rationality isn't valid in reality. there's only 'bounded rationality', which means being as rational given its limits or constraint, depending on situation. so wad more abt religion in e context of our world today?

hi i'm home

mum cooked so i'm back. i'm a gd filial daughter who goes back for dinner ;] heh anw i'm back to do asgm, one is due tmr, n the next is a grp project which is due next wk. wanted to go out wif my old fren but cancelled it in the end coz i needed to touch up on my assignment. i juz nd to do it well, n make it better.

the show 我左眼见到鬼 by sammi cheng n 刘青云 is seriously my all-time favourite hk movie. i rmb watching it in jc1 with e crescent clique n no eyes were dry at the end of the show. aft which a few of us went to buy the vcd to watch it again. if u watched e show once, u'd probably only 'orhhhhhh..' at the end of the show n u haf to watch it a 2nd time to truly savour every moment of it, n naturally all parts will make sense.

ok anw i watched it like e 8th or 9th time ald, and still it brought tears to my eyes. tt show is damn touching la.

sch's alright. yih is converted into some battleground ald. on a highly unrelated note: clementi's a v nice hangout aft lecture. or if u r feeling stressed. u can find almost everything u wan there. bengawansolo kuey.. e cheap n gd o hawker centre food..k pie.. n bubble tea (omg did i juz say bubble tea!?)..kbox.