遗憾

"hey u r damn gd in tiz ah? u shd have let go of ur maths grades in yr 1 n start anew. u will b doing honours le" -bc's sms

she asked me how i did for diz sem n i sent her my grades. i did some calculations. true enuf, if i had started anew, my cap now wld be 3.7. all clear sign, green light..gd enuf to do honours wif 2nd lower. however, it means my 1st yr in nus had gone to waste n i'd have to start off in a clean state.

And if frm e very beginning, i chose to go the FASS, n hypothetically scored on average a B grade for my 1st yr, i wld have gotten 3.65 by now. once again, gd enuf to do honours wif 2nd lower.

tiz sem's cap alone is my best ever. was it a save the best for the last?

anw i dun wanna think abt it le. if tiz is indeed God's plan, then He definitely has a reason for it. Who am i to question the reason? humans r always like tt, we r nv satisfied. we ought to give thanx instead of always asking for more.

i'm v troubled. right now, it's a matter of do i want it, or do i really want it? i'm only confident enuf to say the former. i juz dun feel ready. n if i'm not able to commit fully n give of my best, i'd rather choose not to go for it. (p/s tiz is not related to trg.)

one yr ltr

one yr ago, on 27th may 2006..

wad was supposed to b a simple act of taking a few bottles of water for the team b4 gg down for a race set, aft realising no1 had taken any bottles down. turned out like tiz->


aft tt, there was really no turning back. 10 stitches, for life.

crisis at home

i hate to see mummy cry.

she cried today, was telling me her probs n like how dad is so stubborn n how she tries to talk to him but he juz wont listen.

n i'm trying to listen but i've gotten my dad's trait n i'm such a bad consoler, so all i can do is watch her cry.

then she told me tt my brother broke up wif his gf, whom they were in a r/s for 6yrs. like 'wth juz happened?' n i thought they were so stable tt they cld get married anytime.

relationships..the key is to listen.

why is it tt even though we noe there's a nd to listen in order for relationship to survive, we choose not to?

i'm thankful i'm single. at least for now.

food poisoning

had food poisoning ytd. which resulted in me being a merlion. very dehydrated n uncomfortable, wadever i drank wld come out the next instant.

sux la, the feeling. basically i felt very weak, lifeless. i was juz laying on the ground near the toilet; i couldnt muster any form of energy to get up. i was left cudling up, wif my arms ard my stomach, in alot of pain.

thanks to some helpful ntu gals who came n asked if i was ok, n their coach asked if i needed anything. i asked if he cld get me feng you n po chai pills. aft he got the axe oil, i had no energy to rub the oil on my tummy, so i asked an ntu gal, if she cld do it for me. she was kind enuf to do so.

aft quite a while of agony, as if it wasnt enuf, had to wait at the clinic for an hr b4 seeing the doctor. tt wasnt before i puked a couple more times, n even sh*tted stomach juices. i believe there was ntg left in my stomach, yet the urge to puke was still there. big thanx to yiwei frm the men's team who accompanied me to e clinic n making sure i'm fine, n zili who drove me to the clinic.

doc gave 2 jabs.

cabbed back to bedok reservoir. thinking tt i was feeling better, i took my medication. only to puke it out moments ltr. was left in a very pathetic state indeed.

i'm feeling better ald. lost 2-3kg within a day. it's amazing how i can lose weight so drastically within a short period of time.

but..given a choice, i won't choose to lose weight like tt. it's a very terrible experience indeed.

THE reason

i've got 2 gals on my bed fast asleep now..guess who r they? scandalous..lolx!

i wanna take a pic of them but no la, shan't be so mean.

hmm i juz read rang's blog. somehow she seemed to have captured essence of wad i'm gg thru as well. i guess..its always a case of 'u always wan wad u cant have'

surely, the best scenario, which is not impossible but somewhat utopic, is for the us to attain our goal but at the same time feel smtg together.

to b honest, i feel the underlying reason for e lack of compulsion to keep gg at the end of it, is the lack of love.

for me, i definitely didnt stay for the sport. i stayed..for the pple. angela asked if i wld stay if i was in doing my 4th yr. i said it v much dp on the pple left in the team r worth fighting for, n pushing with. n if my passion is still there.

sustained passion comes frm e gals, my team mates.

my answer at tt pt was, does it matter?

at tiz pt in time, its hard for me to say yes. i hate to conclude tt a trade-off exists in everything, n we juz cant have the best of both worlds.

What gd does it do for a man to gain the whole world but loses his soul? Mark 8:36

Likewise, wad gd does it do if we win the cup but lose e reason to carry on? i'm not at all saying tt it's bad to have a goal, in fact i'm all for it. it's gd to c everyone pushing, but wad is our underlying reason for it?

I’ve found a reason to show,
A side of me you didn’t know,
A reason for all that I do,
And the reason is you.’
- Hoobastank


my reason. wads urs?

clocked 4hrs sleep for sun nite, n 5-6hrs for mon nite.

yup i've found a p/t job @Espirit..it's tough putting back clothes that people happily try on n den decide not to buy.

i was the in charge of shelving on sun. meaning to put back the clothes to where it orginally was. basically its juz walking up n down frm 3pm-12am, shelving clothes tt customers try on but dun intend to buy.

was posted to the men's section on mon. (ok, laugh all u wan..hrmff). i dunno y as well, but boss wanted me to b there, n so i helped guys to find clothes. be in charge of the changing room. fold the endless t-shirts tt pple come in to mess up. give them fashion opinion. oh yah, i think i hit on quite well with aunties. there was an auntie who came in to buy polo tees (on sale!) for her son. She kept asking me for opinion bout whether her son will like tiz particular design, n length..n width.

then there was another woman whom i convinced look gd in skinny jeans. i'm not sure if she bought the jeans eventually but she pulled a fren into the changing cubicle n i overheard saying to her fren, 'hey xxx, tiz is e 1st time i actually like how i look in skinny jeans'

me: miss, i'm not kidding. u really look gd in it..i mean it.

yup i didnt lie to her. i got taste ok!? hah juz tt it doesnt apply for myself, sadly.

anw if u r wondering y am i working p/t, its coz i really need the money. well its not like my parents arent willing to give me, it's juz tt i dun feel gd taking their cash. esp when i shd be taking up the responsibility as a daughter to provide for the family. i nd to settle some of my personal expenses, hence i'm working @Espirit wif gwen.

tired? u bet.

now tt the roster is out, at least i feel i can cope mentally n physically for trg. off days r tues n thurs for the moment, so i dun tire myself out. juz dun wanna give anything less than 100%

rite now, i nd zzz. been drooling in my sleep argh. usually i only drool when i'm v tired. there exist an inverse relationship btn my eye bags n the size of my eyes.

as my eye bag gets bigger, my eyes become smaller -_-^

A Walk to Remember..C ginnas

It started out wif 10 (yr1 sem 1): Rang, PinXiu, Lydia, Jul, Wenya, Me, Raine, Weiling, Siyin and Amy

16/10/2004: Upon receiving our very 1st jersey..thrilled! "Do not mess with the dragon, for thou art crunchy n taste gd with ketchup" pre h2o time trial jitters, hidden behind the smiles.

And then there was 10 again (yr1 sem2) but different pple: Jade, Jane, Wenting, Raine, Lydia, Me, PinXiu, Wenya, Yirang and Julb4 setting off for penang, @Changi Airport. Check out the excitement in our faces ;] it was juz a few hrs ago tt there was a race set btn the c ginnas vs the old birds @SDBA wif me n wt as pacers, jul n raine as 2nd pair, lydia pinxiu 3rd pair, jade n jane as 4th..n wenya taking last seat. rang as our coxwain for tt set. if i didnt rmb wrongly..

then there was 5. when wt left for SEP to Hawaii (Yr2 Sem1): Wenya, Rang, Me, Raine n Jul

Aft trg at the steps of SRC. Last land trg 01/11/06.

6 was the no. for the next 2 semesters..(Yr 2 sem 2 + Yr 3 sem 1): Jul, Wenting, Raine, Yirang, Wenya n I

24th Regatta 2007. Our very 1st Gold for IVP. Rmb ur G-o-l-d

N now (Yr3 Sem2)..the last few standing. 5 brave souls to conquer the June Race 2007: Rang, Wenting, Raine, Me n Wenya

taken right aft trg today 19/05/07 @SDBA

i present to u..the once c ginnas, but now yr3 graduating snrs.

Don't cry bcoz it's over..Smile bcoz it happened.

The Search For Meaning

too tired to blog. anw here's smtg which i got frm my sec3 cathechism class book, which i stumbled upon n decided to read.

Industrialist: Why are u resting and not cutting more wood?
Woordcutter: What for?

Industrialist: So that u can earn more $
Woordcutter: What for?

Industrialist: So that u can engage more workers
Woordcutter: What for?

Industrialist: Then u can rest
Woordcutter: What am i doing now?

Somehow when i read tiz, i cld relate instantly with it. i feel..some have lost the meaning of it all.

sadly.

b4 each trg, my ritual includes praying the rosary to ask for strength n courage to endure thru.

runs r getting tougher these days. its not the distance, neither is it the intensity. i've been thru the same b4. its juz me. i hope its e flu bug. by hoping, i'm being optimistic. i hate it tt i'm fighting a seemingly losing battle against age, which robs me of vitality n life.

slowly but surely, i realise the importance of prayer in my life. "Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible, n receives the impossible."

watched 200 pound beauty today wif karine sharon n angela. a meaningful show tt aptly reflects society today. it's not juz abt plastic surgery, in fact i feel it applies to alot of stuff. personally, i'm accepting towards pple who go for plastic surgery. however, i'd not b accepting towards it if it were done on me.

honestly, how many still believe in the age-old saying abt 'beauty is only skin deep'? try telling tt to someone who's severely obese, or deeply scared due to accidents. e reality is tt in our society, we still judge pple by their looks. its abt 1st impression. u nv get a 2nd chance in creating a 1st impression. sadly, impressions r formed by most basic (yet seriously flawed) indicator--looks.

perhaps i can say tt i do not support e idea of gg under the knife coz i have an 'ok' look. i'm not tt ugly, but far frm being pretty. however, i can say tt i do not suppor t e idea of cosmetic surgery bcoz i'm not in the shoes of those who face daily obstacles n discrimination as a result of their physical image.

anw b4 the movie, e 4 of us went to take neoprint. hahahaha. quite cheap thrill but really, it kinda re-lived our sec/jc/poly days. though i'm not happy abt the decoration (hrmff), overall i like the neoprint alot.

old skool rox.

blogger's weird recently. i cant seem to post pictures. apart frm typing entries, there's little i can doddle with.

God is really amazing. today i prayed for deepening of faith, and also for continued career guidance.

then online, marcus came to chat wif me.

n renneth.

u noe how i've an extremely passive nature, n i dun take e 1st step to initiate conversations. but e 2 of them who for mths have juz been names tt appeared on my msn, suddenly came to chat wif me today.

God-sent. indeed.

i enjoyed trg today..cant explain y also. maybe i juz enjoyed e silence. amidst e tranquility i felt tt everyone was pushing in their own quiet ways. apart frm lijun's occasional call for 'dip in!' n 'fast n long!', it was juz silence sets aft sets. if i listened carefully, there'd be the distinct punching sound into the h2o.

it was like enjoying a mime show. everyone's rowing but there's no sound at all. but i cld observe everyone's motion, the fierce look on their faces, the beads of perspiration.

an unspoken desire?

perhaps.

went to cut hair @ redhill aft trg. the mrt ride frm kallang to redhill was hilarious! couldnt help but notice pple with extremely big hmm, assets. shan't comment further. lolx we tried our best to look away n not burst out laughing. anw i had wanted to keep my hair slightly longer but then, my hair has tiz tendency to curl outwards aft a certain length. *think how i look in yr 1* argh cant stand it

got a tan across my cheeks. its pinkish but i hope it doesnt turn black. its chow tah! aft doing my hair, went down to orchard to meet twin..whom i havent seen for a very long time. chat quite a bit with her, n ytd it was talking to zy. its a v impromptu but in-depth conversation which turned out v fruitful. in short, an eventful meet-up ;] thanx man..bishan pple. bishan pple r quite insightful. to name a few, there's twin, zy and sir. maybe i'd talk to yc soon. heh

its really a challenge to breathe thru my mouth instead of my nose. i'm juz amazed at how much mucus the body can release.

my nose juz kept running n running..i'm having a cold. or a flu. or both? currently its blocked resulting in my extremely nasal voice. n i've tried all kinds of sneeze coz i'm so bored frm the countless ah-choos. loud, soft, uncouth, unhygenic, n even the refined kinda sneeze.

trg today..hmm alright la. wif my nose down i have to breathe thru my mouth. all tt phlem which juz wont come out, thus making me sound like an old ah-pek trying desperately to clear it frm my throat.

i havent been havin much appetite recently. dunno y also. tts pretty unusual coz as u noe, i normally have a huge appetite. but den again its not a bad thing, can save some money.

shall spend diz wk discerning bout wad i really wanna do in life. to decide on a career that suits my interest, b4 sending out my resumes. i dun wanna mass send although i do noe its gd to cast ur nets wide. even more so, i believe tt it's necessary for me to narrow down to a few options b4 sending my resume out.

i dunno wad to type anymore. i feel like getting a new blog add, but maybe i'd juz be too lazy to do it anw. too many pple r tuning in to tay_cindee@blogspot tt even i'm kinda taken aback. not tt i particularly enjoy basking in the limelight. quite the contrary in fact. i enjoy my low key profile. maybe it's time rely on the gd old pen n paper.

my life's a little messy now, in my point of view. perhaps the reason why it's kinda messed up is coz once again, i've decided to take matters in my own hands n not let Him work in my life instead. henceforth, i'm left more angrier n more in a state of disequilibrium den ever. i yearn for the times where i can juz bask in His peace, knowing tt i'm doing His will n there's no particular nd to worry abt anything at all.

hello world

i'm officially unemployed as of 02/05/07, 1500hrs when my lecturer said, 'stop writing. anyone found writing will be blah..'

the remaining 2 papers went alright. i dunno if its a blessing in disguise aft the erm, paper last wed which scared me. coz aft that paper i pretty much did major compensation, which saw me staying back in school over the weekends to mug. also cut back on my 7hrs of sleep, to 6hrs instead.

i really nd to graduate tiz sem.

actually i dun quite know wad else to type abt. its pretty much an 'orh..ok' feeling. nt much of an excitement, or dread..now tt i've crossed the academic 'finishing line'. its juz a feeling of serenity n in fact a tinge of stoic-ness. popped by church aft my paper b4 heading back to destination home sweet home.

here r some photos.
hostelites in the house yo~ (breakfast at macdonalds)

me n my all-time fav roomie..wenting (haha ok, fine. yc, angela n zw made gd roomies too ;)

theresa n angela

Doubles in the house yo!~

my noisy neighbour, wenya. oh btw..tts ducky, e soft toy i sleep wif every nite.

qianyi (sweetER girl in pink) n i

the hostelites..(zw jo n cherylene not in pic)


i dunno y i'm doing diz, but i'm gonna do it anw. qianyi's the sweetER girl in pink, while wenya was the one whom i bumped into last wed, the one whose shoulders i cried on. i noe many pple out there who bothers reading my blog (either kaypo or concern haha) may b thinking it's tiz or tt person, but it's not. arghh..pls spare me the speculations！ there's really ntg. ntg at all. i shall type no further. if not 越描越黑 (corrected le, thanx rang)