Archived from Feb 01 2005

I am really a stupid fool. I stare at my maths tutorial and i dunnoe how to do my sums. I think i am probably the worst maths student in the entire maths faculty. I quietly sob when i sit at the YIH study room to do my maths problems. Nobody knows it coz it seems like i am clearing my nose due to some flu. I am feeling so lousy lah, it sucks. And I just feel kinda depressed over the entire thing, and how i can feel so worthless all because of some stupid maths tutorial. Sometimes when things get so difficult and you stop excelling in it, you wonder if you are really still passionate over the subject.
______________________

Today was a seriously unproductive day. i cant believe i actually sat at THAT seat. i'm not superstitious and all, but ok maybe a bit? or maybe i'm juz finding something to attribute blame to? Well today i sat at this particular seat where i cried last yr. 8 hrs n i didnt manage to complete 2 of my tutorials.

Last yr during tt pd, was seemingly the most depressing period of my life. i remembered myself struggling to complete my maths tutorial every tues b4 trg. Yes it was really dat bad. came to a pt where i doubted myself so much, n my esteem dipped drastically. I remembered iso writing slips of encouragement and stuffing it to me. or twin writing those postcards to cheer me on. or meiping to tell a lame joke. or yirang to standby a hug at src. or wenya who'd ask, 'r u ok cindy?' everyone cld really tell when it was a bad day for me and they'd go outta the way ask if i was fine. nv felt a lack of love.

when i'm quiet, there's smth wrong.

If there's an up side abt free falling, its the chance u give ur friends(team mates) to catch u when u r falling. -Grey's Anatomy

Well, i dunnoe who's reading my blog and all. but it really doesnt matter. anyway, Hang In There!

my deltoids are fine
my deltoids are fine
my deltoids are fine
my deltoids are fine
my deltoids are fine

and so we survived a 30 min endurance set ytd. it's been a long time since we've done tt.

deltoids r u ok?

'yah i'm ok.'

my delts are getting bigger by the day..for most pple it's bulging biceps. I'm a deltoid person. Bulging deltoids.
.
.
.
Well it sure does feel nice to row at night, with the beautiful landscape. i wish we cld row to esplanade and under the merlion, equipped with bailers. heh

of short-lived happiness, and a simple wish

ok here's smth lame tt i thought abt.

what's the term for someone who has to do a back-to-back race?
Racerback.

N i just wonder, u noe the advertisement in mrt, for the singapore navy? the one tt says Life taste better with salt.

Well obviously they havent tried rowing in kallang n literally have to swallow some kallang water.

and yes, TCC stands for tay cindy's corner, not the coffee connoisure.

yah its rather lame as u can see. -_-^

ytd's trg saw the appearance of my best friend. it requires no special introduction. let the pictures do the talking.

Needless to say, it is the return of my delts screaming in pain.

was fuming during the run. i dun wanna hide it inside, somehow a 'bloody hell' came out of my mouth. i really want e team to do well, and if we r gonna run more, we will run more. I just have to have everyone running together. Rowing tgt. Enduring it tgt. I want to take everyone to the finishing line, all 20 rowers. From start to finish. Pulling more tyres and torturous runs to come is but a reality. June race is not just A race, it's DA race. Frankly, its All or Nothing. We are a Dragonboat team. 'Nothing' is not an option.

He has high expectations of us. We arent gonna let him down. No way we will let him down. This time rd, its won't just a tertiary level. Aching delts here i come. What fails to kill u makes u stronger.

aft trg, we went for lunch at bugis. Then i watched v for vendetta with wenting. it's a damn brilliant show la. I was worried tt i wouldnt understand a shit coz i'm not very well-read[i admit] in terms of like wad, totalitarian regime and all. But i actually understood the show. I recommend u to watch the movie, its really too gd for a miss.

I've been thinking alot these days. Somehow i really feel tt happiness is SERIOUSLY short-lived. Y must we compete against our own pple who are another sport coz they chose tt sport? the term of captaincy is like a race set with endless waves. Just when i thought i cleared a stretch of heavy water, there comes another wave. bc asked if being captain shortens my life. ha i said 'yes'. her explanation was different from mine.

Mine is just a simple wish. And a simple wish tt seems rather distant. u'd be surprised to know what's it. I told wenting b4. My wish is simply to row; to row without anything at the back of my mind.

Alas, a simple but distant wish. Impossible maybe?

Anyway i thought tiz a very nice picture. we made this for weili's bdae. Damn wen xin rite? Can i have a surprise on my bdae as well? C'mon, make me cry. Activate my tear ducts. hehe

MBTI personality test

it's rather fascinating how i did the MBTI personality test during my mno1001 course and found out tt my personality type is now ISFP. Just a matter of 5 yrs ago, it was ENTJ. It's a complete 360 deg change, mind u.

Ok, yah in sec 4 i was Extroverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging.

Now i re-did the test[not so comprehensive version which consist of 32 qns instead of the 100 qns one we did back in crescent] i am Introverted, Sensing, Feeling and Perceiving.

A short write up..ISFP
They are quietly persistent in raising awareness of cherished causes and often fight for the underdog in quiet or not-so-quiet ways. In a team, they will raise issues of integrity, authenticity, and good or bad, and may to opt out if the team refuses to address the questions raised. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned, insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire others to be themselves.


Compared to..ENTJ
They have little tolerance for personal whims that threaten a smooth running operation. They are direct and honest with most things that displease them and expect others to do the same. Their humanity shows in their sense of fairness and justice as well as their love of humour. They are direct, finding the quickest, most direct path between what is and what should be.

Anyway i dunnoe how true it is. Thing abt personality test is tt u qn its reliability and validity as well. Could it really be tt within a span of 5 years, i have changed tt much? Perhaps.

Yah, i'm an introvert. Whether or not u believe it's up to u. Feel tt as compared to the Cindy in sec 4, i'm quieter now. Perhaps more prone to be sensitive towards others feelings? ha i dunnoe la.

Alright, i admit i'm not a very gd drinker. heh 4 tequila shots n i got a bit heavy headed. but can still manage to talk and i didnt puke, unlike hmm. hahaha. its quite nice to chill out and have a great chat abt mature topics. i have come to realise tt perhaps a religious grounding has made me do some things, and not do certain things as well. But it was indeed pretty insightful. nvm if u dunno wad i'm talking abt, its btwn the Lions.

Happiness is short-lived. Very short-lived in fact. I think the pple higher up are insane and so hard up abt winning tt it sucks. really. Period. i mean, like bloody hell, have u any respect for us!? what's with the 'if u agree with the premise then all things fall into place"

So, here's a mathematical logic i present for u, idiot.

If God is Man and I am a Man, does it mean I=God?

No, right? If i gotta fight for it, tooth and nail, i shall. Because it's my team. It's our team.

Wenting had juz found out how sentimental i am. Seriously i make it a pt to preserve a memory as best as i can. in terms of sms, photos, diary, even msn conversation. Some conversation i still keep. i allowed her to read one of them and she understood. it was an msn conversation btwn me n vic e night b4 the race.

protect

MR500

ok this is getting more n more pathetic, i dun have any decent pictures of mr500 to upload. Like bloody hell. I really wanna TP. wenya and wendy has the pictures so pls share huh.

i'm so exhausted tt i cant seem to find the momentum to study. i went back to hall to sleep for 2hrs yet still feel rather drained. This is excluding the fact tt i hav had a full 6hrs sleep the night b4. n it was a rather 'excited' sleep coz i kept having dreams of race. and seriously, i keep having this awful feeling of smth near my left ear. urgh!

what can i say man? ok juz the updates. mixed open finals 4th; mixed ivp 3rd; came in 2nd for tertiary womens. we managed to get into womens opens finals, smth we havent been able to do for quite a long time. it wasnt tt spectacular placing but the thing tt coach ever mentioned is tt so long as u can row a race set and walk away feeling that u have given ur all, tt u have ntg left to give and dun regret not putting in more, then its enuf.

No doubt my stand is this, rather b a small fish in a big ocean, den a big fish in a small pond. if u noe wad i mean.

mr500 was an impt race to us, as a form of picking ourselves up from regatta. yunshan did tell me b4, tt once u r down, the only way to go back is up. tt's how impt this race was..a form of stepping stone. no turning back from now.

i have to say tt the best set was the women's ivp set. tt was where we have fallen real bad, and i think we picked ourselves up from there. perhaps we havent stood up yet, it'll be too early if we did. Right now we have merely recovered to brush the dirt off the wound.

thanks to all who came down to support us. serene, cheez, ys, meiping, mona, twin, weiling, zhenyi. for having braved thru the unexpected passing shower which left everyone drenched. i'm sorry to say tt though nus is the organiser, the event cld have certainly be planned better. in the sense tt there were no considerations for 'what if' situation, ie wet weather plan. my heart went out to those middle age and old grandparents who came down to support their children in this event. these spectators were practically left shivering in the cold, using make shift cardboards or disposable poncho[which was clearly useless] to protect themselves from the rain. and also special thanks to melvin, our coxwain.

with every stroke we pulled close made sure they dun get away. early charge, bc's speciality.

i didnt wanna make any critical error. prayed abt it, last time, now and constantly. it was certainly a period of extreme uncertainty and many a times my conscience bugged me, yet i knew tt if some things have to be done for the gd of the team, it has to be executed.

it's been an eventful weekend, and 3 more mths to go. Bite it.

prize presentation was hmm, smth new. so now it's yirang n i who give out. suddenly i thought of david's 'good done ah' 1 yr ago. Yes, david-ers. damn i shd have said tt to yirang or smth. heh. this is a warning, NO MORE stunts! i feel kinda violated, arghh.

ps: thanks iso, wow news spread so fast? come back next sem la, miss rowing with u man ;]

wendy, my dear twin, stayed over on wed. poor jul had to survive not just the twins, but the terror twins. I think we r juz so full of crap and seriously terrorise everyone ard us.

Brokeback la, and all tt crap. Cant be too explicit here[even if it was purely nonsense tt we spouted] but i assure u tt ntg happened ok!? Those who actually think there's smth gg on ought to wear glasses or smth. I still find it hard to believe tt vic actually thought, nvm.

i realised smth actually. whether or not u r in the team, or not in the team, u r equally swamped with loads of essays and deadlines to meet. it juz set me thinking, tt since it doesnt matter, den having to cope with studies shdnt be a reason for departure. had it not been for db, i think my time will be spent giving tuition, or watching movie, sleeping.

no appetite to eat today so i had sandwiches and milo for lunch. Perhaps i was too full frm ytd's dinner at crystal jade with my family, whom i love/miss dearly. we ordered ALOT of food. seriously, of all things tt i can forgo, chilli is by far the hardest to go without.

even till this day, despite having been in the team for close to 1 1/2 yrs, my heart will start racing when its 530pm. trg starts at 615 and i always remembered how i detested 4-6pm lect on tues/thurs coz by 530 onwards, my mind wld have more or less drifted. i told myself i'd nv ever be late for trg, coz i wouldnt ever want my team mates to get punished for me.

tt's perhaps also e reason y i still continue to visualise every time b4 a race. the night b4 i'll sit in bed and meditate b4 sleeping. i feel the exact same kinda adrenaline rush at the starting line, the 'R u ready!?'. A heightened state of awareness. Some things just dun change with time.

there's much more than meets the eye

talked for close to 3hrs during dinner. bc, geoks, angeline wenting n i engaged in mature topics like politics. think e conclusion is tt there's seriously much more than meets the eye.

do u noe tt the mastermind of all terrorist attacks, such as the 9/11 incident, may not be osama bin laden. it cld be the person we'd hardly think of. Yah, can i blog this down? Controversy controversy. there's a series on it anyway. Yah, the mastermind cld very well be someone whose surname is tt of fits into this: ___fire.

really kinda sends shivers down ur spine. wad is this world tt we r living in? Is it all juz abt politics and pple being power-hungry to the extent of lives being taken? Ur very own pple tt u r killing. The no. of lives being sacrificed, is it worth it?

Also, we talked abt a 4th dimension. An alternative world. Somewhere out there, there's another Cindy who looks exactly like me, she IS me, doing smth else. Kinda freaky eh?

Just very thought provoking, very indeed. Ur enemies are actually ur friends, because they are the ones who'd offer u the most frank opinion abt u. things u dun want to hear abt urself, ur flaws. Friends wont tell u tt coz they r afraid to hurt ur feelings.

Sometimes the world presents itself in a way where things seem to be fine, but it actually isnt. Things are really not what it seems to be.

Maybe the reason y i dun exactly wanna take philosophy is tt i dun really wanna start thinking so deep, bout what's my purpose of existence here on earth, to the extent of driving myself nuts.

On a lighter note, i think basketball is quite fun. I can dribble well, but i cant shoot.

simplicity can be quite a bliss actually.

time now is 0020am, my roomies are fast asleep.

i dunno y but i think all of us are like damn shagged today. i'm still up only coz i'm watching scrubs, aft watching grey's anatomy. heh

mon n wed are my watching tv days.

got quite alot of random thoughts to blog abt but mind's in a whirlpool. Yah just some random rubbish if u actually bother to read.

i lost another 2% of body fat.

ankle's much better so can run fine.

pacing with other teams bring out the competitive spirit in everyone. feels gd, no actually it feels great.

i've been eating fish in my meals for the past 5 consecutive days. is tt gd or bad?

i can nv figure out y i can feel so sleepy during a lect but leave the LT feeling so super refreshed and awake.

finally saw serene today aft how it seems like she was mia for ages.

i'm tired now, so tts all the random thought for now.

F.A.I.T.H check

went for mass today. fr richards told the congregation today, 'The pope is gonna visit the Philippines, and will stop over to Singapore in a mth's time. He's gonna meet with a few people and hence we are gg to select a few people who know their faith well to meet him. I'm gg to ask the wardens to hand out a questionaire to everyone. it has 10 qns on it, frm the no. of correct answers u get, we'll select a few pple to meet him'

Here's the 10 qns.

1)What are the sacraments of initiation?
a)Baptism b)Holy Eucharist c)Confirmation d)Reconciliation

2)What does the word 'apostle' mean?
a)follower b)missionary c)disciple d)believer

3)The term immaculate conception means to be conceived immaculately, who qualifies under this term?
a)Jesus b)John the Baptist c)Mary d)All of them

4)In Catholic morality, for any action to be constitued as a mortal sin there must be certain conditions. Which of the four below is NOT a required condition?
a)Grave nature of the matter
b)Justifiable circumstances and influences
c)Full knowledge of the action
d)Full consent to the action

5)What is the meaning of the name of Jesus?
a)Messiah b)Anointed c)Lord d)Saviour

6)Which of these is not 1 of the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit?
a)love b)peace c)fortitude d)knowledge

7)The evangelist is/are
a)Peter b)Paul c)Mark d)James

8) What is the official teaching body of the Church?
a) Magisterium b)Vatican Catachetical Commision c)Catechism of the Catholic Church d) The Senate of Vatican

9) How many days was Jesus ard after he rose from the dead?

10) In the Catholic teaching what is "The last 4 things"?

.
.
.
Then he went thru the answers. Ok i failed[rather badly in fact], and i kinda know my chances of seeing the pope is close to zero. Then he announced, 'Ok the pope is NOT coming to Singapore. i was kidding on tt part. The real reason for u doing this is to realise what little u noe abt ur faith. I'd be conducting a session next mon and tues in the church so tt u catholics will know more abt ur own faith.'

if there's no trg tt day, i'm gonna go for it. what is deeds without faith, likewise, faith without deeds?

To all Catholics out there, try these 10 qns. Maybe i shall reveal the answers e next time rd. See how well u fare in it ;]

PS: the pope is NOT coming to Singapore btw.

deedee's back

i think my blog is getting more and more uniteresting. Oh well, i dun give a damn actually.

ok so updates is wad u want huh? Deedee's back, and thing is its damn screwed. I mean, not tt deedee is screwed, but the toshiba repair centre who replaced my damaged hard disk with a new hard disk. Of which they found some error in the NEW hard disk. Although dee can still function normally, i'd still have to send it down to have it replaced with a completely flawless hard disk when the stock comes.

Pls repeat aft me, "WHAT THE HELL!?"

Alone in hostel now as i've decided to stay over and finish my stuff b4 gg home over the weekends. done my tutorials for next week so i happen to have some time on my hands, tt explains me blogging.

Got back 3 of my mid term tests, all econs. did alright but i had expected better from myself. Rather disappointed with the grade i got for ec2374, economy of modern china.

ankle's acting up on me again, aft i ran 6km ytd. e loose ankle which i can crack every morning w/o fail. love to feeling of running: the wind blowing in my face, heart thumping against my chest, the dripping perspiration, juz the entire feel of being alive. ok maybe not the painful moments, like my ankle[sometimes] and previously it was shin splint. now tt hurts, but i juz stay focused whatever it is, mind over body works most of the time.

while running ytd, theresa asked me 'do u dream?' which i mistakenly heard as 'do u gym?' and hence an almost out of pt answer emerge.

'Yah, twice a week'

'Huh but tt's very little'

Yah like seriously, when i thought back abt my answer, it sounded really silly. i eventually found out tt she asked me if i dreamt instead of gymmed. Of which i replied, 'yah i daydream quite alot, when i'm on e bus'

I learnt from some module 1 yr ago, quite certain its an arts module[coz sci-ence modules wont teach u tt heh], tt often u only realise some of the traits tt u r very particular abt, only thru the eyes of others. What i mean is tt u dun even noe u possess it until someone else u meet do not possess it; den u get very mad at the person for his/her lack of tt particular trait. some encounters this week made me realise as i reflect upon it.

This particular trait tt is of utmost importance to me is responsibility.

To some it may be integrity, to others honesty. Yet again to some others it cld be loyalty. Whichever it is, there's one trait tt will stand out. Ok i'm not saying i'm extremely responsible but thing is tt i expect tt u assume ur responsibilty the way u shd.

Bloody irresponsible group mate. *fuming*

encoding problem

ok this is a short entry trust me.

this post is going out to my dearest friend, aka team mate, aka platoon mate, aka roomie, aka 九年的感情.

jul, i'm very sorry for not putting ur clothes into the washing machine AGAIN.

there's seriously smth wrong with my encoding.

and to all out there, who said Leos are too prideful and will nv say sorry?

I seriously think it's some form of comedy taking place in our hostel, with 3 of us
'arguing' abt who's contaminating the place with kallang water. Ok i need my sleep, econometrics test tmr at 8am.

No updates abt my life until i can get a life. Aft getting a life i'd still have to find time to blog abt it.